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The AbsurdistThe Absurdist

Tuesday, July 27, 2004
  Ugly legal battle over Star Wars III title

Announced on Monday, geeks prattled on about the latest title to be announced in the Star Wars franchise machine. The latest chapter, entitled"Revenge of the Sith", has ignited what, The Absurdist has learned, may be one of the ugliest legal battles in movie history.

"It's just not fair," exclaims actor Anthony Edwards. "George Lucas has enough money and resources to create something very original. I mean, come on- Revenge of the Sith is such an obvious rip-off on Revenge of the Nerds. It's totally unnecessary."

With an established four Revenge of the Nerds movies spanning a decade, there is no question who rules the Revenge franchise.

Revenge of the Nerds III: The Next Generation director Roland Mesa comments, "Even Quentin Tarantino knew enough to stay away from the word 'revenge' when naming his latest homage to the grinder house revenge genre, Kill Bill. You just don't cross nerds. George Lucas is looking for trouble."

Whatever the case may be, studio attorneys are keeping 'mum' about the intricate details of the proposed injunction until resolved in court.
 

Monday, July 26, 2004
  Ja Rule in a jailbird ruling? The Absurdist says Yes.

Miniature American rapper Ja Rule is due in Toronto court today for an apparent assault charge at a Toronto nightclub. When the Absurdist caught up with the diminutive hip hop entertainer, we only had the chance to pose one question before he was ushered off by authorites.

The Absurdist: Mr. Rule, what was the cause of the June 5th nightclubbing incident?

Ja Rule: They tried to take my precious! My own, my precious!

The incarcerated rapstar then called me a "fat hobbit" and threw Elvish bread in my face. That little runt better smarten up soon or someone's going to push the little bastard over a cliff one day.
 

Tuesday, July 20, 2004
  Jacko spawns again: The Absurdist gets in-depth and exclusive

The Abusrdist is overjoyed to announce that Michael Jackson is reported to have conceived quadruplets.

In an absurd exclusive, The Memory of Michael Jackson's Original Face talks on his desire to continue his legacy as the virgin sire of countless contracted pregnancies.

The Absurdist: Hello Michael. May I call you Michael?

The Memory of Michael Jackson's Original Face (TMOMJOF): Please call me King of Pop.

The Absurdist: Ummm.. okee-dokey. So tell me about having quadruplets?

TMOMJOF King of Pop: I love children. Children are the future.

The Absurdist: Do you plan to sleep with them?

King of Pop: I sure do. It's quit a bonding experience between parent and child to trust enough to fall asleep together.

The Absurdist: I'll bet. Let's clear up a couple of myths circulating that relate to your desire for more children.

King of Pop: Sure.

The Absurdist: Are you having more children to harvest their noses?

King of Pop: Lies, lies, lies.

The Absurdist: Why not have children the old fashion way, say, like, by having sex with a woman?

King of Pop: Girls are icky. I mean it would be like having sex with my mother. Or LaToya. Or Janet. It's gross. But more importantly, it's like ordering off the internet. I send in a lawyer, a gag order, a cheque and a test tube of "Jesus Milk" and nine months later a stork and baby appear. It's like magic.

The Absurdist: Are you gay?

King of Pop: With four bundles of joy on the way, yeah, I'm very happy.

The Absurdist: Nicely skirted. Have you determined what you will name these children?

King of Pop: If girls, Paris Jackson II to V. If boys, Prince Michael Jackson III to VII. Or any combination thereof.

The Absurdist: Do you plan on dangling them over balconies as well?

King of Pop: Lies, lies, lies. It's not true.

The Absurdist: I loved your earlier work. But I gotta say, your latest stuff kind of sucks. Have you completely lost touch with reality?

King of Pop: Lies, lies, lies. It's not true.

The Absurdist: ???

King of Pop: It's gross.

The Absurdist: Are you.. umm.... here?

As I reach over to touch Michael Jackson, a wig falls off, revealing a chimpanzee in white face, shin pads and a single white sequined glove.

The Absurdist: *GASP* Bubbles! Oh my fuggin' Lord, Michael Jackson is freaking a monkey with a nose job! Come to think of it, you are pretty talented then!
 

Wednesday, July 14, 2004
  Pete Townsend vs Michael Moore, the only good research is first hand research

Pete Townsend, in a flurry of controversy, has set the record straight on on why his song "Wont Get Fooled Again" did not appear in Michael Moore's blockbusting documentary / satire, Fahrenheit 9/11. But more interesting than that is Townsend's take on Moore's earlier documentary, which Townsend quotes as "not really been convinced by Bowling For Columbine, and had been worried about its accuracy."

We'll take a cue from Mr. Townsend. and believe in his high standards of research accuracy. After all, who else would, to research how to best to access child pornography, use his own, Pete Townsend signatured credit card to personally access online child pornography while the entire country is on high alert to crack down on child pornography on the internest? Who? Who? Tell who is that stupid? Tell me, Pete? Who?
 

Tuesday, July 13, 2004
  While Kerry and Edwards may canoodle, Dubya thinks I'm pretty...

While Matt Drudge, homosexual Republican internet newshound, patchworks together controversy on the ambiguously gay duo of Democratic running mates ("Hugs, kisses to the cheek, affectionate touching of the face, caressing of the back, grabbing of the arm, fingers to the neck, rubbing of the knees... John Kerry and John Edwards can't keep their hands off each other! "), he is failing to kick open the George Dubya Bush tool shed of boy love broken dreams and overt manflesh advances. While this type of salacious scandaling is completely acceptable from penis obsessive maiden of capital hill, Wonkette, because of Mr. Drudge's proclivity towards taboo Greco-Roman scholar and apprentice style relationships, it seems rather Unfair and Unbalanced.

Dubya has, without question, has had his share of public gayness. Besides his sparsely media picked up homosexual pick-ups, I had the grave misfortune of finding this. Judge for yourself.

Conclusion: If you happen to Republican and you happen to be gay, you invariably hate yourself. Now out yourself for a damn change.

UPDATE: Litigation baiting college students up the ante with more litigation worthy Kerry / Edwards gay fair. They must be gay Republicans, too.
 

Monday, July 12, 2004
  Fuck for the environment? Sure, I'll put my back into it.

After a recent trip to the excellent Quart Festival in Norway's Denmark's pot addled hippie commune district, Christiania, I have taken to what I like to call "Noble Porn." Yes, it is indeed a brave new concept, but Noble Porn is actually good for you. Thus, I refute Porn's storied history as blindness inducing, socially unacceptable, palm hair tonic of wanton self indulgence,

"Porn and Scandinavian music festival? What's the link?" you may ask. Well, let me tell you. After rocking in the audience for local band, The Cumshots, a mysterious couple hijacked the stage and exclaimed, "How far would you go to save the world?"

Without warning, they peeled off their clothes and began violently saving the world... the very world that was being screwed with environmental devastation, fucked up the ass with exploitive plundering, a world raped of its natural resources. Wow. I'm really cheesing this one up...

It has become very clear to me as I type that these two stark naked, fornicating heroes of nature have had a very pronounced effect on me. That the environment can be save using all means necessary, harnessing the most unlikely and awesome power of porn. Porn to do good. Porn to right the ills of society. Porn for purpose. Either that, or I have completely damaged my noodle thanks to Christiania's liberal views of copious amounts of weed consumption. Dude.

Do yourself some good. Protest world abuse by altruistic self abuse. Fuck for forest.

I recover now.
 

Friday, July 09, 2004
  Paris Hilton is a Modern Dog

Radio Blackout by T. RaumschmiereNo, it's not a fabrication. Paris Hilton is, indeed the cover star of this quarter's edition of Modern Dog. Fittingly, there is a feature entitled "Doggie Styles." Strange how Paris is featured when she has been notoriously villified as being cruel to handbag sized, accessory chihuahua, Tinkerbell. The tell all diaries, we anxiously await.

UPDATE: My apologies. Tinkerbell is the Modern Dog. Right over my head.
 

Wednesday, July 07, 2004
  The first rule of Defamer

I have failed. The mighty publishing blog publishing Gawker Media empire has enveloped me yet again with it's latest portal of acerbic wit, shameless gossip and internet tenacity. The site is Defamer. It's mission is to cavity search the Hollywood hype machine. Resisting the whole of seven days, I have now succumbed to it's siren song like so many starry eyed actors leaping at the opportunity to fellate at the casting couch altar of overpromised fame. But unlike regular staples of the Gawker hyperlinks cosmos, Defamer has no identified editor- just some stone casting glass house dweller with the blinds drawn. Sort of like this House of Absurd. But unlike the House of Absurd and its lack of high fibre breakfast cereal, Defamer is regular in postings and in quality. Sadly, the whole blog labour of love is less enticing when not motivated by minor internet fame. I am always impressed when anonybloggers such as TMFTML, Eurotrash, or Bunsen managed to pump out posting after posting like a Mormon housewife perpetual birthing machine. Or at least used to. Even her matron saintness of blogdom Elizabeth Spiers, Gawker's original sinner, has dropped The Kicker off the RSS radar screen.

So I ask, are blogs a gateway drug to paying gigs? Are they just a nasty productivity sink hole of limited attention span for both reader and writer? Or is it some sad group therapy venting post circle of anonymous trust? I don't know, but damn- should would be nice to get paid!
 

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