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The AbsurdistThe Absurdist

Friday, February 04, 2005
  J.Lo poised to destroy another lover's career again

Jennifer Lopez is a career wrecking juggernaut. She has been confirmed to perform on the Grammy awards in a duet with husband, Marc Anthony, in what can only be described as his career ending mis-step. Since nobody saw the eye bleeder, Gigli, in which Jennifer effectively ended Ben Affleck's cinematic career, and all production and crew ended up with head-in-gas-oven over the guilt of inflicting the abomination on an unsuspecting public, let me draw more evidence of her black widow-like ways. First husband, Ojani Noa, is currently sueing Lopez for ending his restaurant career. Cris Judd, the obscurity plucked dancer she married is a broken wreck of a man left only with a chocolate Labrador retriever named Buster and a demoralized ability to bust a move.

Tune in the Grammy's, February 13th (coincidence?) and watch a the Marc Anthony careericide live on stage.
 

  Keira Knightley confess fear of media... to the media

Threatening to possibly quit acting, the stunning British actress finds herself deliberately garnering gossip column inches from the media outlets she purportedly fears. Why are the dumb ones always the prettiest?
 

Thursday, February 03, 2005
  Unborn baby already forced to beg like a common fetal street urchin

"Hello y'all. My name is Elise Harp y'all. I'm preggers as y'all can see and if y'all think I'm a pretty honey single mom and think my belly is gonna make a pretty cool advertising billboard and stuff, then go to eBay and put a bid up on buying some ad space on my belly y'all." While enterprising Elise may think her belly ad offer quite enticing, consider her media competition: the forehead.

Reportedly a gentleman made upwards of 20 thousand pounds for auctioning off his forehead, which Elise sites as the muse to her endeavour. While the forehead is a victimless crime (it is 100% self inflicted), we contacted the National Right to Life, an organization "committed to protect human life from conception" and "restore legal protection to innocent human life."

While our phone calls were abrupted and repeatedly cut short by what we can only assume are faulty phone connections, we then turned out sites to the Child Labor Coalition to put a stop to this shameless act of fetus exploitation.

With grizzled resolve to stop the embryonic slavery, we continue to patiently wait by the phone for the CLC to return our calls.
 

Wednesday, February 02, 2005
  Yogi Berra- you give goood Yogasm

Does this man give you an orgasm? He and his lawyers certainly think so.
 

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