The Absurdist

Google ranks the #1 failure

2006-08-30T18:00:00.000-04:00

Vatican City cheers as Madonna finally crucified

2006-08-08T11:01:00.000-04:00

A packed stadium of 70,000 pious Roman Catholics, located not but three kilometers from the Vatican City in Rome, erupted in righteous vindication as Madonna was hoisted onto a mirror encrusted crucifix last Sunday. The lynching occurred after religious leaders rallied followers decrying her use sacrilegious imagery in her Confessions world tour. Said an official under conditions of anonymity, "That woman wants a crucifixion on stage? We'll give that two-bit floosy a crucifixion!" Madonna is apparently still dangling nearing death from the disco cross, hands and feet pierced and botoxed brow encircled with a crown of rusty, barbed wire. Placards in Italian encourage passer-byers to hurl rocks, concert paraphernalia and spit at the aging ~~false~~ pop idol. One curio-seeking tourist was overheard to remark,"This is one pose they don't teach in yoga."

Duh.

2006-07-26T14:43:00.000-04:00

The fruits of your mother's loins

2006-07-17T19:47:00.000-04:00

The BBC reports: "Womb environment 'makes men gay'". According to a recent study, the number of biological older brothers a fellow has, the higher chance he has at being gay. So when if your worried if your kid throws funny, don't stress unless he's got fourteen older brothers born in constant succession of each other. Cause then it's more than just a lack of co-ordination.

So in effect, does this mean God makes people gay? Or their mothers? Or which ever is less sacrilege?

The article further comments "It adds further weight to the argument that lesbian and gay people should be treated equally in society and not discriminated against for something that's just as inherent as skin colour."

Now, as logical and reasonable as that article sounds, be aware we are in a second dark age when science, fact and reasoning are completely suspended courtesy of this little thing called the Repulican union of Church and State. So while the optimist and logical among us are heralding a new dawn of wide-spread acceptance of homosexuality as birthright as skin colour, the pessimist in me thinks the Bush administration will not only continue his efforts to outlaw gay marriage in the US, but also black marriages.

How to Be Trendy Douchebag post Sex-and-the-City (Lesson 1.1)

2006-06-09T19:27:00.000-04:00

Continuing on how to be a trendy Post-Sex and the City Douchebag:

- Have an enraged feud with Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie or Mary Kate Olsen and only describe it to the press as "All I'm going to say is that she knows what she did."

How to Be Trendy Douchebag post Sex-and-the-City (Lesson 1.0)

2006-06-01T18:45:00.003-04:00

Ladies (and I mean ladies in the most egalitarian, non-gender specific way),

It has come to my attention that the appalling fashion slavery gestated by HBO’s love-letter to Manhattan lifestyle, Sex and the City, has since left a gaping void in the unglamorous lives of the unwashed, ruralite masses. Lacking the commonality of a newly minted episode of sophisticated shoebox living, flamboyant fashion styling, and empowering, oversexualized cougardom, both women and men lack a cultural touchstone to pull together the collective cosmopolitan delusion into a Burberry tartan scrunchie.

How will women sporting gargantuan lapel flower broaches cue one another in privy knowingness when strutting confidently down Main Street, Smallsville, shopping for eggs, cheese and replacement gaskets for the milking machine?

How will men embrace metrosexuality and the cultural importance of social climbing through chest waxing?

Well, I am here to help. Kicking off the first of what is expected to be a regular feature, I offer you the Spring/Summer Guide to Douchiness 2006: the Accessories edition.

1) No look is complete without a rolled-up piece of overpriced plastic foam slung casually over the right or left shoulder. Not only must the Yoga Mat colour co-ordinate with your Nuala by Christie Turlington yoga outfit, but so must your attitude. The East Village bohemia exuded by the Yoga Mat projects a steady calm in all things, no matter how badly asphyxiated you are by blackening taxi exhaust fumes.

2) The cold war may be over, but you head needn’t be. Worn over straighten hair, either straight on or crooked to one side, the Castro Hat is a look more resilient than a shoeless mother of seven in a Siberian bread line.

3) Teetering between appointments, the Vente Soy Latte is a statement of health consciousness and caffeine dependency. Use as a defensive measure when wanting to avoid carry large parcels or avoid carrying on conversations. Even when empty, continue to sip to avoid eye contact and prying photographer eyes. Note, carrying a Vente cup branded by an independent coffee shop may label you either a hip, non-conformist free spirit or, alternately, a lesbian.

4) This season, hang up the accessory dog and get ready for the Broach Beetle. Yes, leashing a bejeweled hissing Madagascar beetle to your shirt collar is not only an instant party conversation starter, but, in case of fire, flood, or terrorist attack, makes a protein rich, emergency snack free of artificial colors or preservatives.

Comic books are soooo gay

2006-06-01T17:26:00.000-04:00

What started out as a mild Saturday Night Live satire, i.e. the Ambiguously Gay Duo, has metamorphasized into a bona fide homosexual superhero/superheroine zeitgeist. Not one, but two significant superhero closet door splinterings have occured within the span of days. DC comics, announcing the newly revamped Batwoman as a full fledged queer, finally acknowledges that the majority of their actual comic-book reading female fans are, indeed, lesbians. Furthermore, and coincidentally timed with the release of the Brett Ratner ~~butchered~~ lensed X-Men 3 movie, Marvel Comic mutant "Colossus" was outed as a gay man. Colossus's mutant power is to turn his circuit-boy physique into solid, organic steel- a pairing of steel and gay maleness that puts copyright lawyers of a notorius Toronto gay male strip revue into a heel-grinding frenzy. Personally, I've always found comic book heros, with their improbably musculature and obsession with spandex codpieces to hint, if not outright burn, of homosexual proclivities. Plus with the anti-gay-marriage electioneering going on in the US, it just goes to prove you can't keep a fierce faggot down.
[originally appeared in This Magazine]

BBC: Expert farce checker

2006-05-16T11:02:00.000-04:00

BBC fails to interview the right expert. Look at that man's face when introduced. He is in actual fact, a mini cab driver.

Marginally more racist headlines veto'd by the New York Post

2006-04-21T20:38:00.000-04:00

Considering the highly offensive "Wok This Way" headline splash on the front page of the bottom trolling New York Post, the Absurdist has obtained possible disgarded alternative headlines scrawled on liquor soaked cocktail napkins rescued from a back alley dumpster just off 1211 Avenue of the Americas.

Time ravages, tucks renew

2006-04-10T16:37:00.000-04:00

The latest in old man balls. It's rather self explanatory.

Should I be an academic?

2006-04-07T12:00:00.000-04:00

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, Charles, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

Holy Shit

2006-04-06T12:23:00.000-04:00

I just quit my six digit salaried job. Holy fuck. Yes, I did negotiate a package. But fuck. Wow. Geezus.

The Vowels of Santa Claus

2005-12-23T18:26:00.000-05:00

Has it ever befuddled you that Santa laughs with an unnatural "Ho! Ho! Ho!"? I he reallyt Jolly Ole Saint Nick or some hoochie scoring pimp daddy on the prowl for young nubile do gooders or out to spank the naughty?

Let's skip throught the various vowel, shall we?

The Traditional Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho!
The Everyman Santa: Ha! Ha! Ha!
The Timid Santa: He! He! He!
The Japanese Santa: Hi! Hi! Hi!
The Down Syndrome Santa: Hu! Hu! Hu!

Bless us, it Xmas!

2005-12-22T20:09:00.003-05:00

it's been a while since I've graced this spot. And while the world continues to turn and governments continue to operate under the greatest motivators of all, hatred and greed, I feel it's time to weight in on the good and/or significant things that have happened this year past. Here is a summary of the Absurdist's 20 most important events of the year 2005.

20. Celebrity weight loss finds new vanguards: Victoria Beckham, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Renee Zellweger drop to bones for our impressionable youth
19. Live 8 wanks for politician and rockstar photo ops while raising awaress of global poverty to the ineffectual class
18. Critical darling Arrested Development gets sacked proving America only has time for crap
17. iPod not only goes video but also a boosty 20 hour battery life
16. Coldpay's delayed album plummets EMI quarterly earnings. Chris Martin, overburden with record label fiscal responsibility, bandages left hand in multicoloured tape
15. Crotchety New Corp goobles up hipster douchebag online screwfest MySpace.com
14. Google reigns supreme on search and stock
13. Avian Flu is the new Sars
12. Nanopublishing (re: blogging) get legit with Weblogs Inc. being snatched up America Online
11. Brewing racial tension in France spark riots throughout Parissiene suburbs, prompting the revision of the popular catch phrase to "Paris Suburban Stripmalls Are Burning"
10. Kanye West: "George Bush doesn't care about black people"
9. Newly elect Pope Benedict XVI doesn't care about gay people
8. Creationism slithers it way into the garden of America's classrooms under the guise of Intelligent Design
7. Canada flaunts equal marriage, straight and gay, like some kind of drama queen
6. Dog is cloned in South Korea using stem cell research while America sinks deeper into its self imposed scientific dark age
5. London gets bombed, picks itself up and keeps on swinging
4. The automotive lobby keeps the electric car off the roads while oil prices rocket
3. Katrina spanks Florida and Louisiana. Hard.
2. Bush admits "faulty intelligence" behind the invasion of Iraq
1. Bradgelina

ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY!

2005-11-04T17:10:00.000-05:00

I'm working through some serious shit right now. I really want to eliminate this asshole from my life. He has been a terrible source of grief and stress. Yes, he is my BOSS. It a epic choice between doing the job I love in a horrible horrible environment or risk finding a potentially better or worse job in a potentially better or worse environment.

It's all about risks, folks. And sometimes, you just gotta takes risks.

It's amazing, no? How a few lines of pecked out text can help you put everything in perspective. Or clarify what I already knew.

Trust your gut.

Oh, that bitch....

2005-10-19T20:55:00.000-04:00

Is she for real? The quotes! The preaching! Madonna seyz "the beast is the modern world that we live in," and people "are going to go to hell if they don't turn from their wicked behavior." Kettle? Black is calling! Officially, I rename the new album "ConDECENSION of the Dancefloor".

Style iconography

2005-09-04T22:41:00.000-04:00

New York Times annoits Maddox Jolie, hawkapoo sporting fashion superstar.

Attack of the Laguna Beach clones

2005-08-30T07:44:00.000-04:00

Strangely, everyone on MTV's beach blanket babylon is attractive, white... and from the exact same replicant DNA. Perhaps they're harvesting these teens for organs? Dibs on left kidney!

Thong gone wrong

2005-08-01T23:14:00.000-04:00

It was bound to buckle under the strain. No undergarmet trend could have possibly been expected to last this long, wedgied so snuggly, without demanding a good changing. Thong sales have officially bottomed out.

World Stupidity Awards

2005-07-27T12:41:00.000-04:00

Handed out in Montreal, here's the tally of the Stupidity Awards:

The Winners of the 2005 World Stupidity Awards
(Winner in bold)

Stupidest Man of the Year
U.S. Senator John Kerry
Former Ukrainian President Leonid Kuchma
Columnist Ann Coulter
NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman and Players Association Director Bob Goodenow (Shared)
U.S. President George Bush

Dumbest Moment of the Year
Ashlee Simpson on SNL
Basketball fight featuring Ron Artest
Prince Harry showing up to party in Nazi suit
Tom Cruise on Oprah
Russell Crowe throwing a phone at somebody's head

Stupidest Statement of the Year
"Can you handle my truth?" - Britney Spears
"Go Fuck yourself" - Dick Cheney, U.S. Vice President
"Nooooooooooooo" - Darth Vader, in Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith
"They never stop thinking of new ways to harm our Country and our people, and neither do we." U.S. President George W. Bush
"That's hot." - Paris Hilton

Stupidest Movie of the Year
Elektra
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Alexander
Alien vs Predator
The Pacifier

Stupidest Woman of the Year
Paris Hilton
Ashlee Simpson
Brangelina
The Runaway Bride
Paula Abdul

Stupidest Trend of the Year
Religious Fundamentalism of all kinds
War
Crystal Meth
Seeing the Virgin Mary in toast, hamburgers etc...
Climate Change

Stupidest TV Show of the Year
Britney Spears, Chaotic
Surreal Life
The Simple Life
The Beauty and the Geek
Dr. Phil

Dumbest Government of the Year
The Government of Iran
The Government of the United States of America
The Government of Canada
The Government of North Korea
The United Nations

Stupidity Award for Reckless Endangerment of the Planet:
Kim Jong Il, Dictator of North Korea
US President George Bush
The Vatican
The Government of Iran
Paris Hilton

Media Outlet Which Has Best Furthered Ignorance
Fox News
CBS News
CNN
Al-Jazeera
Newsweek

Stupidest Award Show of The Year
The Oscars
The Grammys
The Daytime Emmy Awards
The Golden Globes
The World Stupidity Awards

Meet my parents

2005-07-23T12:49:00.000-04:00

For the most part, the evolution of my psychological state is most concisely explained by this one photo. The tipping point? Dad 1.0's criminal socks and sandals combination.

Everything old is stupid again

2005-07-19T21:10:00.000-04:00

We've already witnessed Rodney Dangerfield go back to school. There is, without doubt, no need to see Tommy Lee do the same every week, invading our homes, on television.

Metrosexual Version 2.0

2005-07-05T21:35:00.000-04:00

Introducing "the Smoothie". For some reason, the more homophobic America becomes, the increasingly more flamboyantly gay it too becomes. And the sky will darken and the rivers will run red with blood, so will the hillbillies wax their chests, rods and tackle, whilst line dancing in the moonlight to European technotrance. [via Salon]

Sex versus crash pad...

2005-07-04T20:41:00.001-04:00

"No, I did not sleep with my houseguest when she visited Toronto. I can get laid anytime. But finding a friend to stay with in New York? That don't happen everyday."

Toronto "Gay Pride" gathering....

2005-06-21T11:17:00.000-04:00

Stan

One of my homosexual friends is having a homosexual celebration for what homosexuals refer to as “Pride”.

This homosexual festivity is not limited to homosexuals but also friends and family of homosexuals, or generally people who are just “with it”. This is how I was honoured with an invitation. Deep down, I know homosexuals and their nefarious plotting to homosexualize me. But I’m too clever for their rouse.

Since George is in Toronto, coincidentally or not, for “Pride”, I am delighted to extend the invitation to the lot of you. It would be great to have a cluster of fellow “Breeders” (this is what the homosexuals refer to us as) to join in on this celebration, and very importantly shield each other from acts of attempted homosexualization.

Now, given the circumstances, as a group should we feel marginalized, prejudiced against, or otherwise make too feel the evil eye of discrimination, we have the option to depart and go hang out in our designated “straight”bourhood, were frumpy sweat pants, talk sports, have messy hair and not worry how tight our pecs, abs or buttocks look.

Let me know the 411,
the absurdist

Remy Stern, where are you?

2005-06-18T23:29:00.000-04:00

Dear Remy,

New Yorkish was a little ray of sunshine in my otherwise dank dark pit of solitary despair. I miss your elequence with language, your razor-sharp, downtown kinda wit. Your were hip without even trying. That's the best kind of hip, Remy. Where have you gone? Why have you gone? Are you secretly chained to a Gawker media laptop, kowtowing before the ruthless Mistress Denton into service journalism from some bloated behemoth multi-national spreading your wit and your hipness like Marmite spread to thinly on a mammoth, never ending pretoated slap of Melba? Or have you been dispatched to one of the Gawker media titles as Oscar night, toilet exit, editorial seat filler? You have even gone absent from New York Magazine's occasional freelance. Where are you, Remy? Where are you?

Oh. There you are. From Denton to Roshan. From Lucifer to Mammon. Welcome back, Remy. Welcome home.

The consumer insight that launched a zillion hedge-clippers

2005-06-15T21:21:00.000-04:00

Phillips Bodygroom for Men capitalizes on the longer dick insight to men's pubic trimming. Personally, I love how it's deliberately addressed to straight men. God knows, insinuating that a man secretly fears having a short dick while potentially harbouring taboo desires to cornhole and/or be cornholed by another guy would just be too alienating. While nearly half of British men have had a go at trimming the trunk grass, apparently 37% of American men have had a homosexual experience. Who's your dandy?

OMG- The Onion, I heart you

2005-06-15T20:55:00.000-04:00

So gawddamn hysterical.

Patience vs Dead Tomorrow: a fork in the fucking frustrating road

2005-06-15T20:34:00.000-04:00

I am conflicted. There is much hubris on the internet on two warring factors:

- Patience and the value of "mature" perseverence.

- Live to today because you could be dead tomorrow.

I hate waiting. I am no party to waiting in line nor in pecking order. Live hard and live fast. Because you going to be dead someday. Yet it is childish and rash to expect everything. And worse, everything now.

An it seems I have been waiting for too long. I am no longer the spring chicken of my youth. And the years have told me do not wait for good things to happen. Making them happen for yourself is the only way to get where you want to go. Yet the work is not so simple. Gatekeepers and politics abound and I have learned a very hard lesson in the need to incessant politicking. Image control and goodwill panhandling is a terrible must in todays catty bitchfest of a corporate lifestyle. Even non corporate. Bureacracy is not the exclusive mainstay of mega corporations. That said, it is best policy to treat everyone around you like some gigantic lipstick-wearing ass-kissing festival. People are goddamn emotional. Petty. Vindicative. It seems goodness and virtue are lost. Pulling favours is the bitter cynical modus operandi. Does that sound bitter? It does. I am.

Here is a quiet confession. I have been breaking my back clawing my way through a lifestyle that I no longer see as an end. And it fucking freaks me out. What am I so disillusioned? Is it because I have been made to feel a fool by holding fast to values of loyalty, perseverance and commitment? By doing so and finding the result meaningless and seemingly deliberately held at distance, why run the marathon? Am I wimping out? or am I just realizing, too late, that I do not want to even finish that line?

Do I need a serious change or just a vacation?

FUCK.

Wacko Jacko no Paedo Pan

2005-06-13T22:45:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentleman, the circus is now closed.

Denton disses Canada

2005-06-11T13:01:00.000-04:00

Gawker media doyenne Nick Denton on blogs vs. newspapers:

"People make it out to be like Israel and Palestine," he joked. "It's more like the USA and Canada—if blogs were Canada, only less bland and boring."

Perhaps. But admittedly, Canada certainly kicks the shit out of Gridskipper.

Mac to the future

2005-05-25T22:36:00.000-04:00

With the recent introduction of music video sales on the iTunes Music Store, Apple CEO Steve Jobs fielded questions about whether or not movies might eventually be on sale. Jobs reportedly answered:

"I'm going to have to leave that answer to our actions in the future."

Well let me take a trip in my fucking time machine, you evasive ~~twat~~ visionary godhead! The public demands to know! Most importantly, will the discrete home purchase and consumption of pornography be offered via iTunes? Or will you spin the perfect internet convergence of amateur sex video and the iTunes into a sister company branded iPorn?

Spin this: "When I said America is the middle finger of the world I really meant...

2005-05-25T22:26:00.000-04:00

This is so meta, but I think this blunder totally rules (thanks Feh.):

A message from PepsiCo’s President & CFO, Indra Nooyi

I recently had the privilege of speaking to the 2005 graduating class of Columbia University’s Business School in New York City.

Recognizing that these talented new leaders will influence both America and the world, I tried to provide some advice as they embark on their careers.

I chose to speak about the powerful role that America, and we as Americans, hold in the world today. I hoped to encourage these graduates to be sure they make a positive and personal difference as representatives of our great country.

In my comments, I used the analogy of a human hand to illustrate that people in countries around the globe need to join together to make the world work in harmony – just as all the fingers of a hand work together. It is an illustration that I learned when I was a student, and that I have shared with others on many different occasions.

As part of this illustration, I assigned five of the world’s continents to the different fingers and thumb. I refer to North America and particularly the U.S. as the middle finger because it is the longest and anchors every function the hand performs. The middle finger also is key to all the fingers working together effectively. That is how I view America’s place of importance in the world.

The point of my analogy was to emphasize America’s leadership position. Equally critical is the need for each of us as citizens to take a constructive role in whatever we choose to do in life to ensure the U.S. continues as the world’s “helping hand.”

Unfortunately, my remarks at Columbia University were misconstrued and depicted in a different context as unpatriotic. Although nothing could be further from the truth, I regret any confusion or concern that I may have inadvertently created. As I shared with the audience at Columbia, this country that I am proud and honored to call home is a “promised land” that I love dearly. I would never say or do anything to detract from our great nation and its people who have done so much for so many, including myself.

Thank you for your understanding and allowing me to set the record straight.

Indra K. Nooyi
President & CFO, PepsiCo

Personal style winner of the century

2005-05-25T22:17:00.000-04:00

Next time I'm in at the hair salon, remind me to ask for the "Phil Spector". Then shoot my hair stylist until dead for crimes against humanity.

Hoodies are the new terrorism

2005-05-19T22:29:00.000-04:00

Want to identify a surefire hooligan? As I am here in London, they can spot you by the hoodie that you wear...

Amish is the new black

2005-05-18T21:59:00.000-04:00

I was just in Ohio visiting my local Amish Wal-mart. It sure was courteous of them to reserve spaces for my horse and carriage. Too bad the ole mare shat on that tiny Mini Cooper convertible autowagon. I was kind enough to leave a note on the windshield.

I was mighty impressed with all those blue smocks the kind store folks were wearing. Blue is a little non-traditional for the folks living in Bird In the Hand, and Reverend Jeb would sure have a fit if I were to wear anything of the sort to the Parrish.

There are so many lovely things stocked at the local Amish Wal-mart. I was a marveling at them fancy picture and noise boxes called Sanyo. Them images move like witchcraft. I quickly left that part of the store for fear of being ensnared by their wickedness.

When Sally Jane and Parker showed up, we headed over to the footwear department for some knee high socks. Mamma's getting tired of mending my worn out socks so it's best I buy some new ones, lest Aunt Patty insist on knitting me some new one with that itchy yarn she be spindling. I think her socks be like witchcraft.

I think there may be a sale on suspenders, so I stock up on an addition four pairs, all in black. Then that nice old lady in the blue smock with smiley face buttons goes and tells me them suspenders are "everyday low price". Well, I nearly flipped! If they are charging $3.95 for a pair of suspenders I'm going to get an extra eight pairs!

When I arrived at the Amish checkout, the cashier was kind enough to calculate my total payment on a handicrafted abacus and to bag by wares in a burlap sack.

When Sally Jane, Parker and I arrived back in the parking lot for our carriage, we was shocked! The old mare was shot dead and lay in a hump. Pinned to her left ear was a note.

"You shit in my car, you pay, you inbred Amish fuck!"

Kylie say it ain't so

2005-05-17T07:31:00.000-04:00

Australian born minx Kylie Minogue, the most fabulous ass in the business (J. Lo, it aint you), has breast cancer.

The tour company added: "She will undergo immediate treatment and consequently her Australian tour will not be able to proceed as planned."

Tom Cruise feels that... wants that...

2005-05-13T13:35:00.000-04:00

The following quote which I read in Reader's Digest (yes, it keeps me top of my gossip game for the sewing bee) is sooo good I was compelled to blog it.

"Tom Cruise says sex is important in a relationship. Speaking to Reader's Digest, Katie Holmes' new man explained: "You know, sex means something to me. When I'm with a woman, I feel that. It just means something. I want that, you know?" But it's not just a quick fling he's after, Tom says marriage is important, too. "I'd like to get married. I'll tell you what I love. I like being in a relationship. That's who I am," he added."

It doesn't really sound like he knows what he's talking about, does it?

Here's ex-wife Mimi Rodgers take on Tom and Tom's want of sex:

"At least for that period of time, it looked as though marriage wouldn't fit into his overall spiritual need. And he thought he had to be celibate to maintain the purity of his instrument. ... My instrument needed tuning.".

George Lucas! I love you!

2005-05-12T20:33:00.000-04:00

Holy shit. I was strolling along, minding my own beeswax, skipping towards the Metreon in downtown San Francisco when out of the blue pops Mr. Star Wars himself, George Lucas!

He's kinda stubby.

I'm going to keep stumbling along to find out what the hell he and the zillion overweight guys in Stormtrooper costumes are doing here. I am aflutter like a little schoolgirl!
--------------------------
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

UPDATE: Not only was the Lucas in full presences, but aging Sex and the City alumus (no- Not Kim Catrall), former pretty model man Jason Lewis was also there aping for cameras and flashing that handsome smile of his. Curse, you pretty boy, for hording all the pretty genes for your miserable self! He looked tall, but years are atarting to wear on that mug of his.

Iraq War Coverage? ABC News: "feh."

2005-05-12T15:24:00.000-04:00

War is soooooo not newsworthy? Yes, suggests ABC News.

I'm absolutely disgusted. Back to Macaulay Culkin and Michael Jackson. Or Paula Adbul's Idolgate. Or the Runaway Bride. Fuck, does America love itself and only itself? I need a paxil...

Ricky Martin is not gay

2005-05-12T14:44:00.000-04:00

Dashing the hopes of thousands of Puerto Rican loving homosexuals the world over, Ricky Martin has stepped out of the closet of his heterosexuality.

I am a normal man. I love women and sex." quoth the swivel hipped, latin singer.

As the internet clammers to uproot any evidence to support or to contrast (you dirty filthy gossip bitches know who you are!), The Absurdist legal defense department notes the following:

Ricky Martin admits to loving women. Ricky Martin admits to loving sex. Ricky Martin does not explicitly admit to loving sex with women. We rest our case.

Introducing the Internet's newest superstar: Nosfer-Tara-Tu

2005-05-08T12:23:00.000-04:00

Gaaahhh!

This is a genuine photo culled from the internet. I swear.

The sassy fang-riddled undead thing with the nightshade eyes, oily coat of horse hair, and the deadbolt scars on her forehead to the far right? Her name is Tara (Nosfer-Tara-Tu).

And the flash of the camera has flash fried her complexion into a crisp golden brown.

The moral of the story? No point. Just a bitchy-ass, hung over Sunday.

What Katie Holmes is really saying into her cell phone

2005-05-04T22:18:00.000-04:00

While the blogosphere goes apeshit over Katie Holmes' Tom Cruise infected mouth rot, The Absurdist has cunningly uncovered fragments of her cell phone conversation now transcribed here. Godbless the Whisper 2000.

"...Tom, about that oral sex..."

"...I don't think anyone will notice- my gawdawful, tacky eyeglasses will surely divert their attention..."

"...and you're sure Scientology will help them go away?"

"...no, no, I totally understand. When you called out "Chris Klein" last night, you were probably just channeling my memory of my ex-boyfriend..."

"...you really think the opening of Batman Begins will be huge?"

"..sure, I still have Chris's phone number..."

"...yeah, ever since I saw you in the overt, homosexuality charged showerscene in Top Gun..."

"...you noticed me when I started dating Chris Klein?"

"...yeah, just tell your publicist to tell my publicist when we should go out on our next date..."

Kate Moss shockingly fashion retarded!

2005-05-03T00:05:00.000-04:00

Fashion Week Daily reports Brit supermodel Kate Moss sports a fake mustache and beard on the cover of V Magazine (May 02, 2005).

Shock shock! But for not the reasons you may think. Fashion is so cutting edge, n'est pas? But of course! And Kate Moss an icon, if not muse, of forward thinking visionaries, say like Inez Van Lamsweerde and Vinoodh Matadin, oui?

As impressed as I should be of the balls it would have taken to put such a vision of beauty in such counter gender subversive imagery, I have but this to say:

"I don't give a FUUUUUCKKKK!!"
~ Peaches.

It's sad and true. If it's in fashion, it's not original.

Ms. Wrong

2005-04-18T10:15:00.000-04:00

Ughhh... Will someone please (successfully) pie this woman? So much for that so called "Liberal" media.

The "Inter-Net" = public venting post of good and evil

2005-03-31T05:47:00.000-05:00

Google: "Carlos D, Interpol, herpes."

O-M-freaking-G.

Mapquest: "Men's Sexual Health Clinic. Anonymous."

When they said everyone's blogging now, they really meant everybody freaking blogging

2005-03-29T22:52:00.000-05:00

A collection of blogs that really should not have happened:

Terri Schiavo's blog: "Mnnngghhh"

Captain Morgan's blog: Arrgghh, ye drunken matey! Bond with me brand, ye scurvy wenches!

Jeff Gannon's blog: Voice of new media rough trade

Fred Durst's blog: alias 'American Alien', strangely he's switched from blogging to web porn, both equally unsettling and more damaging than being exposed to asbestos.

George W. Bush's blog: not suprisingly, it's a satire. Blogging does require literacy.

TV watching this Easter eve

2005-03-27T20:10:00.000-05:00

I'm watching Julie Stiles in the MTV produced movie, Save the Last Dance. I like to think of this teen epic as a lethal combination of camp, crunk and catharsis. If only Julie Stiles' character when truly ghetto and dropped codeine and breakdance battled in clown face.

I continue to idle my brain on poor WASP girl in the innercity. Damn that girl can ballet good. Mmmhhmmm.

...

Billy Idol's ball shaving

2005-03-23T22:16:00.000-05:00

It's rather apalling when, hearing this, you too are inspired to shave your nads to avoid the threat of unsightly, grey aging balls.

Early Warning! Persistent Vegatative State

2005-03-21T12:33:00.000-05:00

The internet must take on this hott new medical condition: "Persistent Vegatative State." It's the new cutting. CBC news calles it "Awake but not aware." Essentially, it's massive brain damage by which the conscious mind is obliterated.

How to abuse:

Old World: My career is going nowhere.
PVS'ed: My career is in a persistent vegatative state.

Old World: I'm soooo stoned!
PVS'ed: I am willfully in a self inflicted persistent vegatative state.

Old World: I voted for Bush. Again.
PVS'ed: note pinned to shirt reading "I am in a persistent vegatative state."

Jessica Alba sluts it up

2005-03-05T09:18:00.000-05:00

Hot little nymphette actress, Jessica Alba, admits to slutting it up to the UK Sun, granting permission to bloggers worldwide to fabricate fornication fantasies about her wanton ways. Goodness, I'm already there...

ALBA ALBA ALBA ALBA ALBA AAAHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYEEEAAAAAARRGGHHHHHHHHHHHhh..... uhh. uhh... mmmm...

zzzzzzz...

Jeff Gannon- why are you back?

2005-03-04T19:55:00.000-05:00

Republican rent boy Jeff Gannon continues to preen like from his comfortable born-again perch on the right side of stupid. What the fuck is this guy doing? Zero credibility and a legacy of internet gay porn really cannot possibly inspire confidence in anyone. Not even one of his Military muscle, cock-sucking johns.

Unless of course he is a liberal seeded Trojan Horse planted to discredit the righteous right. A true Republican would never entertain anything remotely homosexual. Not even Matt Drudge. Especially Matt Drudge. Nor would they every be seduced by the sweet caress of Oxycotin. Not even Rush Limbaugh. Especially Rush Limbaugh. Alleged closet homosexual, child porn lovin' Rush Limbaugh. I think I may be on to something. Wow, I'm smart.

Open letter to Blogsnob

2005-03-03T22:10:00.000-05:00

Dear Purveyors of Blogsnob blog referral software:

I love you. But you have mangled my template for too long. The alignment of my borders and side bar have gone misshapen and I can no longer tolerate you. Thus, it is with great regret that I must banish you from my blog. I banish you Blogsnob. I love your referrals, but bitch you fucked up my template. And to that extent I must de-script you. You are Blogsnobgone.

The Absurdist

J.Lo poised to destroy another lover's career again

2005-02-04T08:04:00.000-05:00

Jennifer Lopez is a career wrecking juggernaut. She has been confirmed to perform on the Grammy awards in a duet with husband, Marc Anthony, in what can only be described as his career ending mis-step. Since nobody saw the eye bleeder, Gigli, in which Jennifer effectively ended Ben Affleck's cinematic career, and all production and crew ended up with head-in-gas-oven over the guilt of inflicting the abomination on an unsuspecting public, let me draw more evidence of her black widow-like ways. First husband, Ojani Noa, is currently sueing Lopez for ending his restaurant career. Cris Judd, the obscurity plucked dancer she married is a broken wreck of a man left only with a chocolate Labrador retriever named Buster and a demoralized ability to bust a move.

Tune in the Grammy's, February 13th (coincidence?) and watch a the Marc Anthony careericide live on stage.

Keira Knightley confess fear of media... to the media

2005-02-04T07:37:00.000-05:00

Threatening to possibly quit acting, the stunning British actress finds herself deliberately garnering gossip column inches from the media outlets she purportedly fears. Why are the dumb ones always the prettiest?

Unborn baby already forced to beg like a common fetal street urchin

2005-02-03T08:34:00.000-05:00

"Hello y'all. My name is Elise Harp y'all. I'm preggers as y'all can see and if y'all think I'm a pretty honey single mom and think my belly is gonna make a pretty cool advertising billboard and stuff, then go to eBay and put a bid up on buying some ad space on my belly y'all." While enterprising Elise may think her belly ad offer quite enticing, consider her media competition: the forehead.

Reportedly a gentleman made upwards of 20 thousand pounds for auctioning off his forehead, which Elise sites as the muse to her endeavour. While the forehead is a victimless crime (it is 100% self inflicted), we contacted the National Right to Life, an organization "committed to protect human life from conception" and "restore legal protection to innocent human life."

While our phone calls were abrupted and repeatedly cut short by what we can only assume are faulty phone connections, we then turned out sites to the Child Labor Coalition to put a stop to this shameless act of fetus exploitation.

With grizzled resolve to stop the embryonic slavery, we continue to patiently wait by the phone for the CLC to return our calls.

Yogi Berra- you give goood Yogasm

2005-02-02T07:48:00.000-05:00

Does this man give you an orgasm? He and his lawyers certainly think so.

My robotic spat with Laim.name

2005-01-31T21:20:00.000-05:00

Public rejection for sport is totally where it's at, baby.

When the Chinese drink, they drink like fish

2005-01-31T15:06:00.000-05:00

The Chinese have a great ability to not drink. I can say this because I am 1/8 Chinese on my mother's side. I remember those days with Uncle Wu would stumble to our house, red faced, tipsy and slurring uncontrollably with the pungent stench of a single lite beer on his breath.

Those fond memories aside, the Chinese are now taking this high tolerance and thus high expertise on of all things alcoholic and trying to introduce globally a new intoxicant. A beverage easily marketable due to the fact that is deliciously made with... fish.

Possible marketing names and slogans? Let me kick it off with a few:

- Fishhead Beer- for those who like to get stinking drunk

- Captain Nemo Fish Rum- now spiced with extra entrails

- Destitut Vodka- made exclusively with the finest beached bloated shorewash

- Ickthyotonic- so bold, it'll put scales on your chest

Shaved balls and burning bushes

2005-01-30T01:56:00.000-05:00

I wonder how it would feel to have those stray testicle hairs waxed? A moment of pain, for a single growth cycle of smooth skinned luxury? I crossed this little video that provides a glimmer into the world of Brazilian waxing for women. Hmmm. Perhaps something more permanent like electrolysis then.

Willy Wintour? Anna Wonka?

2004-12-31T15:44:00.000-05:00

Good lord can someone help me out here? Based on this sneaky screen shot of the hallucinogenic remake of the dragon chasing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, director Tim Burton has blatantly copped the hair, sunglasses and suckled blood stained lips of a famous fashion editrix for Johnny Depp's androgynous portrayal of Willy Wonka. Who says women's fashion doesn't influence menswear? Now that men will be mimicking the styles of famous female fashion editors, The Absurdist can hardly wait for those hip fashion boys to start riffiing of the likes of bangs curling fetischist Suzy Menkes and raisinette Polly Mellon.

Foreign Strippers Can't Catch A Break

2004-12-06T18:40:00.000-05:00

It is a low time in Canada. The favouritism once bestowed upon foreign strippers wanting work visas in Canada has now been repealled. Strippers no longer enjoy preferential visa to Canada.

Those halcyon days when any buxom young girl with bedroom eyes, pert breasts and a propensity to drop trou "while paying my way through med school inCanada" are gone.

But what does this truly mean for the Canadian consumer?

"There is no shortage" claims a Montreal strip club owner in the National Post.

Sure, no shortage on quantity, but is there a shortage on quality.

Has the Canadian stripping industry gotten all hard ass on Canadian content just like the CRTC insists on a certain percentage of Canadian content as mandatory on broadcast licenses?

Is this a draconian measure to ensure that Canadian laps stay with Canadian strippers?

Will the few very best strippers go on heavy rotation until they as old, tired and played out as a Celine Dion record on K-Lite 95FM?

Will we see a brain-drain to the US over our brightest hopefuls? Isn't calling it a brain drain kind of ironic? Will there be a dramtic shortage of ping pong popping Thai dancers leading them to be hunted down to extinction
like bengal tigers or the elusive sea bass?

Will Green Peace intervene?

Will the repealled law be retroactive, thus forcing the Absurdist out of the country? Oh lord I hope not. I could never go back to the red state.
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Indecent scents

2004-09-28T21:10:00.002-04:00

Two new men's frangrances worthy of fits of childish giggles:

Hummer
"If you can't afford to drive one, or are having a hard time getting someone to give you one, then at least smell like one."

Cumming
"Splash a little on your neck."

Additionally, the Absurdist has heard a rumour of a fabled new cologne in a similar brand extension a la Alan Cumming's lapse in judgement:

Pitt by Brad Pitt
"Smell all Pitt, all the time"

Sir Elton John vs Vile Pigs

2004-09-24T11:00:00.000-04:00

It's rather amusing when celebrities attack. Particularly at airports. True, the level of privacy intrusion we celebrities must endure, even such minor incognito internet luminaries such as myself, is positively astounding. Sanity crushing. Male menstral cramp inducing. But when queeny, knighted, "living legend" celebrities go apeshit in foreign countries in flamboyant dramatic extravegance? Bring it on.

While touching down in Taipei's Chiang Kai-shek airport, a touchy Sir Elton was reportedly mobbed by a bloodthirsty pack of media attack dogs. In the ensuing swarm, the following dialogue transpired:

Sir Elton to media mob: "Rude vile pigs! Do You know what that means? Rude vile pigs! That's what all of you are!"

Retorting Photographer: "Why don't you get out of Taiwan?"

Retorting Sir Elton: "We'd love to get out of Taiwan if it's full of people like you. Pig! Pig!"

The Absurdist *hearts* Elton John bitch slapping foreign press. It has assumed supremcy over Bjork going feral on a reporter in Thailand and fey fitness guru Richard Simmons open handing a foolish taunter.
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Celebrity acts of deplorable, brazen homosexuality and/or perversion we'd like to see

2004-09-13T20:43:00.000-04:00

As I cruise around Yorkville, the decadent, botox-infused, high end fashion district of Toronto that blossoms into a den of gawking starfuckers every time the Film Festival rolls into town, I stumble across this photo of publicly heterosexual, yet supect closeted pillow biter actors Hugh Jackman and Matt Damon. Yes, the man in the gold lamé ass huggers is "Wolverine" and the man in the stiff blue denim receiving the slippery stick fight is the "Bourne Submissive."

Naturally, this grotesque exercise in wrongness made public on Broadway stage yearns for suitable celebrity pairings of like depravity. Here is my two cents from the Film Festival:

- Hot young sapling Jason Schwatzman bear wrestling with elder apple tree Dustin Hoffman. (both staring in the upcoming I *Heart* Huckabees)

- Selma Blair and her back breaking prosthetic robo-breast (John Waters' upcoming "A Dirty Shame" jello fighting with pre-Trimspa gold-excavating sucubus Anna Nicole Smith.

- Jamie Foxx (In the Ray Charles biop "Ray") doing the blind man cheshire gin sway in dark sunglasses while corn-holing Will Smith for inflicting all that crap Americana on the world.

- Merchant of Venice thesp Joseph Fiennes solo and self loving.

- Stunner Zhang Ziyi and The Absurdist in our private House of Flying Dildos.

A tale of a whale, but not really

2004-09-12T23:27:00.000-04:00

Continuing in the marathon cinematic viewing of the Toronto Film Festival, A Whale of a Tale, by local Toronto documentarian Peter Lynch is a tale not really of whales and whale such, but instead a journey of obsession, obsession and obsession. It is a story of a man possessed by the mystery of single whalebone excavated during the construction of the Toronto subway. Odd? Maybe, but downright confounding due to the fact that Toronto is thousands of kilometres away from the nearest ocean. The chase ensues as he charts a course across the continent speaking to prominent whale experts in a vain attempt to prove his belief correct. The documentary morphs from a journalistic report on the origins of the mystery whale bone to a personal revelation of into one’s own relentless vision, blinding objectivity and evidence, supplanting the result for the journey. Plus at the end of the film, I got to touch the whale bone. It was old and probably wouldn’t make a good soup.

Festering at the Toronto International Film Festival

2004-09-11T15:46:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentleman, I have officially landed at the Toronto International Film Festival- the epicentre of the oft snowy Canuck film industry, the Hollywood North that has Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger's posing suit in the twist for diasporic, cheap movie production costs, and most importantly, the home of every melancholic Atom Egoyan film to emote from this fair northern climate. Although I have not been accredited, nor plundered a fake festival pass off eBay, I aim to take in as much wanton cinema as possible. In fact, I was at one such film last night at the Cumberland, watching actors Jacob Tierney and Emily Hapshire covort through themes of prostitution, bisexualism, heroin junkie relapse, S&M and, naturally, incest. It is, after all, the Toronto Film festival and no film would be complete without the youthful nubile bodies of preternaturally underaged looking actors dialogue on-screen in various states of undress under the watchful eye of an older, male director with a closet or two to kick open.

The film itself was highly engaging- no mean feat for one shot using minimal cuts, only two principal actors and a screen play adapted from a heavily dialogue driven play. Jacob Tierney is engaging as the sexually confuse heroin survivor turned priest wannabee. Emily Hampshire plays the crude jukie sister prostitute to type. In fact I don't think she has quite left character a, during the Q&A she tettered like a drunk and espoused four lettered words like a sailor. Not too classy, I fear. Director Jerry Ciccoretti graciously answered questions posed by "look how clever I am" festival dorks despite how pretensiously ass the questions actually were. I would have like to hang out after the show to schooze the cast, particularly that Jacob lad, but alas, I had to dash with my retiring entourage of Friday workday burnouts. Ahh... Toronto!

Airplane passengers that suck

2004-08-30T15:21:00.000-04:00

1. Man of unbelievably offensive body odour: literally, my hair perms when
he walks by. Fortunately I am not seated too closely by him, but if I was,
and I am typically not one to put up a massive, public fuss, I would insist
on another seat. Or him ejected. Or a spacesuit.

2. Tacky woman of southern stock: Well, they say the bigger the hair the
closer to God. With this hair in this airplane, this woman is not only close
to God, but damn well in His face. Now that blonde beehive of backcombed
madness is not the paramount frustration. Nor is her equally laquered chatty
Kathy friend. It's they're gaudy insistence on obnoxiously painting their
nails while bleating loudly like braying, nasally hyenas. Nail polish on any
ocassion, let alone in the confined recirculated air of the airplane cabin,
gives me a jackhammering headache. Add to that their ceaseless yammering and
you've got Southern Belle hell.

3. Morbid Obecitus: In future, buy your fat self two adjacent seats and get
the fuck out of mine. Yes, I want the arm rest down, and no, I do mind your
voluminous spill touch my person.

4. Lonely, elderly crackpot: I'm sorry, maybe I can't hear you or your
insufferable prattle either. Are you offering me lint encrusted sweets?

5. Busy power office worker woman: she's got something to prove against all
those Men. And dammit, that laptop circled by ringlets of confidential
reports and forecasts and memos is going to get you promoted to crusty old
cougar faster then you can say " ticking biological clock."
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My encounter with EMI Canada

2004-08-29T18:42:00.000-04:00

After discover of EMI Canada's policy of copy protection, I pecked this missive out like an irrate elderly woman post titty-gate Superbowl half-time show.

"It it very unfortunate that as an avid music fan and honest music consumer that I find myself skipping through the EMI catalogue of recordings because they are all incompatible for use on my computers or my iPod. On average, I purchase 2 cd's a week and will continue to do so as artists innovate the artwork, packaging, bonus material and liner notes of their work. I am sorry your business strategy has lost the plot in making the product worth owning, portable on the unstoppable tide of new technology, and reinforcing the general public's perception that record labels are reactionary crooks that dare consider the average music enthusiast to be no more than common criminals. I will leave you with a final positive note, however. There are many artists on your roster that I do find of quality. Perhaps on a trip abroad I may pick up a non-copy protected copy, which I can gladly say will not be contributing to your quarterly sales targets. I don't buy 8-tracks because they are not compatible with my system. Just like I don't by EMI Canada releases."

A dredful experience

2004-08-29T00:47:00.000-04:00

There is possibly nothing more repulsive than being brushed across the face by a stranger's errant, moist dredlock. Let's put aside the stereotypes of the dirty hippy, the stoner slacker, or the barefoot tofu muncher- the thing that races most clearly though my mind at the moment this pungent matting of unwashed hair stroked my face like a stiff rat carcass is that it was teeming with lethal micro-organisms second only to carpet bacteria.

The real reason why Lenny Kravitz loped off his dreds? The Health Inspector put the black list on any restaurant in which he dined, quarantined for "bacterial deinfestation". Now ya know.

The Edmonton Fringe festival bloodbath

2004-08-18T23:25:00.000-04:00

Having jettisoned into Edmonton for a few days, I was fortunate to partake in what is the largest Fringe Theatre Festival in North America. Combined with the world's largest shopping mall, Edmonton's got, well, two things going for it. Oh and unlike the rest of Canada, there's no provincial sales tax. So I guess there's three good things.

None the less, I was unable to attend any actual fringe theatre productions but was treated to what I like to call a bit of artist street brawl theatre. Standing outside the Next Act Pub, a drinking establishment renown for pre/post theatre imbibery, an unfortunate fisticuff between fey artistic fellows broke out. Not only was there bitch slapping, hair pulling and shrill, effeminate screeching, but a lady friend of mine had a large dollop of spittle splork her upside the head. One bloodied and broken nose later, a victor emerged lisping triumphantly as the loser sashayed off to, what I assume, his costmetic surgeon.

I've got to catch my flight, so that is all.

Gawk Trois: Will the real Jessica Coen please stand up?

2004-08-10T16:11:00.000-04:00

Gawker's Choire Sicha has vacated the building. Having been promoted to Editorial Director overseeing the Gawker Media stable of meta-linking snark sharks, a new editor must rise from the gossipy sewing circle crucible. Some suspected it would be Andrew Krucoff. But, alas, it is not. The successor is 24 year old Santa Monica-cum-New York City emmigre Jessica Coen. How the New York socialismo and media elite will react to a clearly non-native is anyone's guess, but more importantly both the blog-o-sphere and proper media channels are all aflutter on the identity of this ingenue. Foolishly, few have ventured to even conduct the most cursory of hipsterati quasi-journalistic research tools: friendster.

Republican Convention Schedule Update

2004-08-09T12:35:00.001-04:00

by Republican Party Presidential Committee
www.dissidentvoice.org
August 2, 2004

-- Please note the following additions/changes to the previous Convention Schedule --

August 30

6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER read by Mel Gibson, while being flogged with a spiked leather strap wielded by Ann Coulter, who will enjoy it a little too much.

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level from beige to ecru.

* LEST WE FORGET -- HONORARY ROLL CALL of All Members of (and Friends of) Bush Administration Who Might Very Well Have Been Killed In Vietnam If It Hadn't Been For Nasty Trick Knees, Anal Cysts, Recurrent Headaches, and Highly-Placed, Overly-Protective Parents. (Sponsored by Tyson Chicken)

* ANTONIN SCALIA speaks -- "SLAVERY: THE ORIGINAL INTENT OF OUR FOREFATHERS, AND GREAT FOR BUSINESS!" (Sponsored by Wal-Mart)

* DICK CHENEY hosts AMBASSADORSHIP RAFFLE - Opening Bid $1,000,000 (cash, non-sequential bills, 20s or less)

* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- FILM - "BRING IT ON!" Stirring fictionalized re-creation of Mr. Bush's actual dental appointment in Alabama in 1972, where he showed the incredible courage to allow "deep cleaning" of gums without anesthetic. (Sponsored by Sinclair Broadcasting)

* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- "GET BAKED WITH RUSH "Crankster" LIMBAUGH! (Location TBD) (Sponsored by Pfizer)

August 31

6 p.m.-- OPENING PRAYER read by Our Lord (The Passion Of) Jesus H. Christ, as channeled by Lt. General William G. "Jerry" Boykin, the man who first revealed that Mr. Bush was chosen by God to lead this country into war against the heathens. Gen. Boykin will then give a short, upbeat presentation on Islam called, "My God can Beat Up Your God."

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FLASHING RED.

* WAYNE LAPIERRE will pry Davy Crockett's Kentucky Long Rifle out of Charlton Heston's cold dead fingers (subject to Heston's death) (Sponsored by Smith & Wesson)

* DESIGNATED BROWN PERSON (Hispanic or Muslim, or possibly an Hispanic Muslim, if we can find one) will speak on how being a brown person doesn't automatically disqualify you from being a Republican (subject to finding a brown person capable of being bribed to do this - may need professional actor, possibly brought in from 3rd world country)

* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- PAUL WOLFOWITZ announces American plans to invade Iran, strip them of nuclear weapons, and turn over entire country to Bechtel to be run as a subsidiary. (Wolfowitz will tell anxious voters that the operation will involve 200 out-sourced "consultants", will take one week and will be entirely funded by pocket change found in a White House couch.)

(Sponsored by Halliburton)

* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- "RIDE THE WAVE WITH RUSH "Big Oxy" LIMBAUGH!" (Do a couple of 'ringers' with Big Pharma - sponsored by ROBITUSSIN)

SEPTEMBER 1

* 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by the REVEREND JERRY FALWELL who will demonstrate the spirit of CompassionateConservatism(tm) and the eternal mercy of God by wishing a horrible fiery death and an eternity in the pit of hell for all non-white, non-male, non-Christian non-heterosexual non-Republicans.

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to PULSATING RED

* THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF INSANELY RICH PERSONS (AAIRP) will present LAURA BUSH with A PLATINUM CHAINSAW in thanks for the Bush Administration tax cuts (Sponsored by Gulfstream)

* ANN COULTER, BILL O'REILLY and SEAN HANNITY will lead a special TWO-MINUTE HATE aimed at photo of John Kerry.

* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- DIEBOLD CORPORATION WILL ANNOUNCE ELECTION RETURNS -- BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION WITH 51% OF VOTE (YET TO BE CAST). (JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA will certify vote results) Diebold Board member Wilbur H. Grafton will deny fraud, announce his retirement, and be named the new Ambassador to Jamaica. (Sponsored by Diebold)

* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- GET WRECKED WITH RUSH"Kicker" LIMBAUGH (sponsored by Eli Lilly)

SEPTEMBER 2 (Nomination Night)

* 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT, who will then sing "Let the Eagle Soar" and light the ceremonial "TORCH OF FREEDOM(tm) with the (actual) Bill of Rights.

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to Fire Engine Red, and ANNOUNCES CAPTURE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN.

* CONVENTION SHIFTS TO "GROUND ZERO" - DICK CHENEY will introduce and personally re-nominate PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, who WILL IMPALE OSAMA BIN LADEN WITH DAVY CROCKETT'S KENTUCKY LONG RIFLE donated by Wayne LaPierre (Sponsored by NRA)

* PRESIDENT BUSH WILL GIVE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, standing on Osama's dead body (Provided by the Wax Museum).

Maria Sharapova is so hot right now

2004-08-04T15:31:00.000-04:00

Tennis has a new angel. Maria Sharapova is Russia's white hot rising star of tennis and I am officially in love. I'm here in Montreal boozing it up at the US Open series and fawning over Ms. Sharapova's stroke. And it is one mean stroke. She trounced (albeit mostly I the third set) Christina Brandi. I may be drunk but is that Matthew Perry? Nnnaaaahh.
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Ugly legal battle over Star Wars III title

2004-07-27T14:38:00.000-04:00

Announced on Monday, geeks prattled on about the latest title to be announced in the Star Wars franchise machine. The latest chapter, entitled"Revenge of the Sith", has ignited what, The Absurdist has learned, may be one of the ugliest legal battles in movie history.

"It's just not fair," exclaims actor Anthony Edwards. "George Lucas has enough money and resources to create something very original. I mean, come on- Revenge of the Sith is such an obvious rip-off on Revenge of the Nerds. It's totally unnecessary."

With an established four Revenge of the Nerds movies spanning a decade, there is no question who rules the Revenge franchise.

Revenge of the Nerds III: The Next Generation director Roland Mesa comments, "Even Quentin Tarantino knew enough to stay away from the word 'revenge' when naming his latest homage to the grinder house revenge genre, Kill Bill. You just don't cross nerds. George Lucas is looking for trouble."

Whatever the case may be, studio attorneys are keeping 'mum' about the intricate details of the proposed injunction until resolved in court.

Ja Rule in a jailbird ruling? The Absurdist says Yes.

2004-07-26T10:40:00.002-04:00

Miniature American rapper Ja Rule is due in Toronto court today for an apparent assault charge at a Toronto nightclub. When the Absurdist caught up with the diminutive hip hop entertainer, we only had the chance to pose one question before he was ushered off by authorites.

The Absurdist: Mr. Rule, what was the cause of the June 5th nightclubbing incident?

Ja Rule: They tried to take my precious! My own, my precious!

The incarcerated rapstar then called me a "fat hobbit" and threw Elvish bread in my face. That little runt better smarten up soon or someone's going to push the little bastard over a cliff one day.

Jacko spawns again: The Absurdist gets in-depth and exclusive

2004-07-20T18:29:00.000-04:00

The Abusrdist is overjoyed to announce that Michael Jackson is reported to have conceived quadruplets.

In an absurd exclusive, The Memory of Michael Jackson's Original Face talks on his desire to continue his legacy as the virgin sire of countless contracted pregnancies.

The Absurdist: Hello Michael. May I call you Michael?

The Memory of Michael Jackson's Original Face (TMOMJOF): Please call me King of Pop.

The Absurdist: Ummm.. okee-dokey. So tell me about having quadruplets?

~~TMOMJOF~~ King of Pop: I love children. Children are the future.

The Absurdist: Do you plan to sleep with them?

King of Pop: I sure do. It's quit a bonding experience between parent and child to trust enough to fall asleep together.

The Absurdist: I'll bet. Let's clear up a couple of myths circulating that relate to your desire for more children.

King of Pop: Sure.

The Absurdist: Are you having more children to harvest their noses?

King of Pop: Lies, lies, lies.

The Absurdist: Why not have children the old fashion way, say, like, by having sex with a woman?

King of Pop: Girls are icky. I mean it would be like having sex with my mother. Or LaToya. Or Janet. It's gross. But more importantly, it's like ordering off the internet. I send in a lawyer, a gag order, a cheque and a test tube of "Jesus Milk" and nine months later a stork and baby appear. It's like magic.

The Absurdist: Are you gay?

King of Pop: With four bundles of joy on the way, yeah, I'm very happy.

The Absurdist: Nicely skirted. Have you determined what you will name these children?

King of Pop: If girls, Paris Jackson II to V. If boys, Prince Michael Jackson III to VII. Or any combination thereof.

The Absurdist: Do you plan on dangling them over balconies as well?

King of Pop: Lies, lies, lies. It's not true.

The Absurdist: I loved your earlier work. But I gotta say, your latest stuff kind of sucks. Have you completely lost touch with reality?

King of Pop: Lies, lies, lies. It's not true.

The Absurdist: ???

King of Pop: It's gross.

The Absurdist: Are you.. umm.... here?

As I reach over to touch Michael Jackson, a wig falls off, revealing a chimpanzee in white face, shin pads and a single white sequined glove.

The Absurdist: *GASP* Bubbles! Oh my fuggin' Lord, Michael Jackson is freaking a monkey with a nose job! Come to think of it, you are pretty talented then!

Pete Townsend vs Michael Moore, the only good research is first hand research

2004-07-14T21:43:00.000-04:00

Pete Townsend, in a flurry of controversy, has set the record straight on on why his song "Wont Get Fooled Again" did not appear in Michael Moore's blockbusting documentary / satire, Fahrenheit 9/11. But more interesting than that is Townsend's take on Moore's earlier documentary, which Townsend quotes as "not really been convinced by Bowling For Columbine, and had been worried about its accuracy."

We'll take a cue from Mr. Townsend. and believe in his high standards of research accuracy. After all, who else would, to research how to best to access child pornography, use his own, Pete Townsend signatured credit card to personally access online child pornography while the entire country is on high alert to crack down on child pornography on the internest? Who? Who? Tell who is that stupid? Tell me, Pete? Who?

While Kerry and Edwards may canoodle, Dubya thinks I'm pretty...

2004-07-13T20:33:00.000-04:00

While Matt Drudge, homosexual Republican internet newshound, patchworks together controversy on the ambiguously gay duo of Democratic running mates ("Hugs, kisses to the cheek, affectionate touching of the face, caressing of the back, grabbing of the arm, fingers to the neck, rubbing of the knees... John Kerry and John Edwards can't keep their hands off each other! "), he is failing to kick open the George Dubya Bush tool shed of boy love broken dreams and overt manflesh advances. While this type of salacious scandaling is completely acceptable from penis obsessive maiden of capital hill, Wonkette, because of Mr. Drudge's proclivity towards taboo Greco-Roman scholar and apprentice style relationships, it seems rather Unfair and Unbalanced.

Dubya has, without question, has had his share of public gayness. Besides his sparsely media picked up homosexual pick-ups, I had the grave misfortune of finding this. Judge for yourself.

Conclusion: If you happen to Republican and you happen to be gay, you invariably hate yourself. Now out yourself for a damn change.

UPDATE: Litigation baiting college students up the ante with more litigation worthy Kerry / Edwards gay fair. They must be gay Republicans, too.

Fuck for the environment? Sure, I'll put my back into it.

2004-07-12T22:19:00.000-04:00

After a recent trip to the excellent Quart Festival in ~~Norway's~~ Denmark's pot addled hippie commune district, Christiania, I have taken to what I like to call "Noble Porn." Yes, it is indeed a brave new concept, but Noble Porn is actually good for you. Thus, I refute Porn's storied history as blindness inducing, socially unacceptable, palm hair tonic of wanton self indulgence,

"Porn and Scandinavian music festival? What's the link?" you may ask. Well, let me tell you. After rocking in the audience for local band, The Cumshots, a mysterious couple hijacked the stage and exclaimed, "How far would you go to save the world?"

Without warning, they peeled off their clothes and began violently saving the world... the very world that was being screwed with environmental devastation, fucked up the ass with exploitive plundering, a world raped of its natural resources. Wow. I'm really cheesing this one up...

It has become very clear to me as I type that these two stark naked, fornicating heroes of nature have had a very pronounced effect on me. That the environment can be save using all means necessary, harnessing the most unlikely and awesome power of porn. Porn to do good. Porn to right the ills of society. Porn for purpose. Either that, or I have completely damaged my noodle thanks to Christiania's liberal views of copious amounts of weed consumption. Dude.

Do yourself some good. Protest world abuse by altruistic self abuse. Fuck for forest.

I recover now.

Paris Hilton is a Modern Dog

2004-07-09T14:14:00.000-04:00

No, it's not a fabrication. Paris Hilton is, indeed the cover star of this quarter's edition of Modern Dog. Fittingly, there is a feature entitled "Doggie Styles." Strange how Paris is featured when she has been notoriously villified as being cruel to handbag sized, accessory chihuahua, Tinkerbell. The tell all diaries, we anxiously await.

UPDATE: My apologies. Tinkerbell is the Modern Dog. Right over my head.

The first rule of Defamer

2004-07-07T22:24:00.000-04:00

I have failed. The mighty publishing blog publishing Gawker Media empire has enveloped me yet again with it's latest portal of acerbic wit, shameless gossip and internet tenacity. The site is Defamer. It's mission is to cavity search the Hollywood hype machine. Resisting the whole of seven days, I have now succumbed to it's siren song like so many starry eyed actors leaping at the opportunity to fellate at the casting couch altar of overpromised fame. But unlike regular staples of the Gawker hyperlinks cosmos, Defamer has no identified editor- just some stone casting glass house dweller with the blinds drawn. Sort of like this House of Absurd. But unlike the House of Absurd and its lack of high fibre breakfast cereal, Defamer is regular in postings and in quality. Sadly, the whole blog labour of love is less enticing when not motivated by minor internet fame. I am always impressed when anonybloggers such as TMFTML, Eurotrash, or Bunsen managed to pump out posting after posting like a Mormon housewife perpetual birthing machine. Or at least used to. Even her matron saintness of blogdom Elizabeth Spiers, Gawker's original sinner, has dropped The Kicker off the RSS radar screen.

So I ask, are blogs a gateway drug to paying gigs? Are they just a nasty productivity sink hole of limited attention span for both reader and writer? Or is it some sad group therapy venting post circle of anonymous trust? I don't know, but damn- should would be nice to get paid!

It's official. The stewardess hates me.

2004-06-29T19:55:00.000-04:00

If you could possibly see my face, it is frozen in shallow horror- jaw slung
low like a socket sprung appendage, eyes feverish and bulging, throat dry
with anxiety, slight loss of appetite. I am on board a flight from Toronto
to New York, and I official have been banished to the worst seat imaginable.

Centre seat.
Row 25 of a 25 row airplane.
No reclining seat.
Sandwiched between a moridly obese woman oozing body odour and a small
bladdered elderly businessman.
Seated behind a wailing 2 year old child / banshee sirening the ENTIRE
FLIGHT and undisciplined by its French speaking parental units.

To ease my nerves, I'm contemplating mutilating a lavatory smoke detector
and sparking up a socially unacceptable nicotine addiction.

I've always wondered if 'difficult' children could be sedated and left in
cargo hold carrying cages alongside transported pets or livestock.

I really hate the idea of paying for my drinks on flight. I figure, if the
pilot can drink for free, then so should I.

Check for postings if I actually land!
--------------------------
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

The Absurdist interviews the Angry Spirit of Archduke Franz Ferdinand

2004-06-28T08:33:00.000-04:00

Candles lit? check.

Crystal ball polished? check.

Library copy of Seance for Dummy's? check.

It is time, dear Archduke, to arise from your tormented sleep and air your grievences on the eponymous debut release of Scottish nerd rockers Franz Ferdinand!

The Angry Spirit of Franz Ferdinand: Bleehaaahaa! Vas ist das? Vhy have you voken me up from death's sweet slumber?

The Absurdist: I have called you forth on behalf of English speaking, internet grazing blog readers the world over! The world requests, nay, demands your attention on this urgent matter!

The Angry Spirit of Franz Ferdinand: Vat the hell is it?

The Absurdist: There is a foursome of twee Scottish musicians that has usurped your rightful name and are currently storming the world pop charts with danceable, yet top 40 radio friendly, rock melodies.

The Angry Spirit of Franz Ferdinand: Fek? Yas yas, I have heard of these four Scots. They are getting good airplay on 66.6FM- The Rock: Heaven Ain't Got This Kinda Rock 'N' Roll.

The Absurdist: Homage or hijack- your thoughts?

The Angry Spirit of Franz Ferdinand: Ehh, I don't mind so much. I think they play vell and put on a good show, yah. They guitar play is qvite tight and I can really boogie to that funky kick drum. They need to vork the look though. I'm not a big fan of their geeky clothes. Try something more imperial, vorthy of an Archduke!

The Absurdist: What are your favourite tracks?

The Angry Spirit of Franz Ferdinand: I like that one "Take Me Out". And that "Matinee" song. It gets my toes tapping. I am proud to have them use my name. I'm not too sure about that track called "Michael." I think the lyrics make me sound like a fag.

The Absurdist: Did you have any influence in having the band named after you?

The Angry Spirit of Franz Ferdinand: Mmm, no. Not at all. Call it serendipity, but it has made me qvite the netherworld celebrity. Perhaps it karma for my untimely assassination? One could say, it's turn Hell into a sort of groupie heaven, if you catch my drift, eh?

The Absurdist: Dude!

The Angry Spirit of Franz Ferdinand: It's not all good though. It's made the other residents somevhat bitter. Adolf keeps bitching "Vere's my band? Vhen are those stupid vhite supremacist going to pay me some props?" Alvays with the kvetching! Albert Einstein is trying to get Malcolm McLaren to pull something together. That young vhipper snapper Ronald Reagan is trying to put together some kind of boy band. American pop music- bah!

The Absurdist: Do the Dandy Warhols count? They's been around for a while and quite popular.

The Angry Spirit of Franz Ferdinand: No! Spelling is everything! Next qvestion!

The Absurdist: Any thoughts on potentially manifesting on tour with the band? You know, kinda show some support.

The Angry Spirit of Franz Ferdinand: Oh I do that all the time. I like to dance. I'm usually at the bar though trying to pick up the bartender with the huge bossoms. You know, it's been a while since the Archduke had the affections of an Archduchess.

The Absurdist: I though you said you had all those Hell groupies?

The Angry Spirit of Franz Ferdinand: Hell groupies bite! I need tenderness!

The Absurdist: Well, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, it's been a real pleasure.

The Angry Spirit of Franz Ferdinand: Yah. Keep on rocking in the corporeal world.

Sorry for getting chai latte on your white leather pants, Mr. Steven Tyler

2004-06-24T18:16:00.000-04:00

One sunny afternoon in Toronto, I almost bowled down Steven Tyler, large lipped frontman for undead rock band, Aerosmith. Now, the purpose of this missive is not to recant at length the storied history of Steven Tyler's numerous groupie conquests, fruits of loin, chart topping hip shakers or Run DMC collaborations. That would be a flat out 'No'. All I'm saying is that rock stars with cell phone armed, multi-drone entourage should not wear all white patent leather pant suits in from of clumsy, blackberry pecking internet writer types. Because that mix = trouble.

My apologies for the lengthy absence. I promise, next time, to only leave in the morning.

Ang Lee's compiled list of things gayer than gay sex

2004-05-26T16:02:00.000-04:00

The maelstrom of controversy over the new Ang Lee adaptation of Annie Proulx's critically acclaimed and explicitly homoerotic novel, "Brokeback Mountain" is now panting with dissatisfaction and bi-curious sexual frustration. Starring two of Hollywood's hottest young actors, Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger, director Ang Lee is now saying "two men herding sheep was far more sexual than two men having sex on screen."

Being a straight acting coach specialising in on-screen gay acting, the Absurdist met this pronouncement with broken hearted dismay. This seemed like a golden opportunity to provide a much needed service to these two up and coming, if not already top stars, in positioning the erotica as it would be best gobbled up by a mainstream American audience. I mean, really, you can't expect Americans to just open up and let others ram this stuff down their throats, or perhaps any other warm, moist orifice?

So you ask, why the hell would one want a straight acting coach to choreograph gay sex? We'll here's the insight. Gay sex, no matter how cheesy, awkward, poorly lit or badly acted has universal appeal to gay people.

gay sex => universal appeal => gay peopleIt's a no brainer. Men are pigs for sex, gay and straight inclusive. The challenge lies with positioning gay sex to the ardently straight, God fearing masses.

gay sex => polarising => straight peopleWhen you narrow it down even further to the current fundamentalist regime of uptight, witch burning, churchy folk running the show, it gets even more dicey.

gay sex => wronger than wrong => churchy folkThat is why a straight acting coaching is required. It takes a straight eye for the queer romp to ensure just enough homosexual innuendo is implied and explicitly portrayed, tasteful like. Otherwise the film will never survive the now mandatory pre-screening process, the process that was apparently corner cut but so desperately needed for Lee's prior film, "The Hulk".

When I approached Lee with my proposal, Lee trotted out that tired ole "sheep herding is super gay" arguement along with the following string of other homoerotic devices, symbols and situational allegories he intends to use in the film. I'm not sure about you but I don't find these particularly hot. Even as a lusty man-pig.

Ang Lee's compiled list of things gayer than gay:

Marlboro Man

naked upper torso

Ummm... excuse me.

Clay Aiken: Photographic evidence that he is definitely not a homosexual

2004-05-24T14:14:00.001-04:00

There is so much speculation that American Idol 2003's Miss Congeniality, Clay Aiken, is a nancy shrieking house-on-fire homosexual that finally we have proof that he is not. Thank goodness this little image was unintentionally leaked on the the internet. Believe you me, America was getting a little uneasy with Clay's singing of the all gay cabaret show tunes. Refreshingly, a tittie squeezing misogynistic skirt chasing closet case is much more acceptable. God bless show business.

Paris Hilton Perfume Scent Analysis

2004-05-13T19:10:00.002-04:00

Grabbing a rare advanced formulation of the impending Paris HIlton perfume, the Absurdist performs a chemical breakdown of the aromatic blend:

The Absurdist goes a moblogging

2004-05-10T00:04:00.000-04:00

Hello. I am pleased to announce that due to the mad technicians at Blogger, I am now a mad villian of the mobloggerati. Yes, friends, combined with the ever so evil crackberry, the Absurdist is now committed to spontaneous acts of absurdity. I am both terrified and overjoyed by the prospect. I welcome you to misspelling in realtime.

May 6th Gallery Opening: Declined for reasons of generation-defining television program watching obligation

2004-05-03T20:53:00.000-04:00

The following is an invitation to a photographer's invite to her gallery opening, Thursday May 6th and appended declined invitation response:

www.pikto.ca

www.naomiharris.com

Dear Naomi,

Thank you very much for the invitation to your exciting gallery opening. Although I am familiar with your work and find it a fascinating study of tanned, elderly portraiture in sexy, sunny South Beach, I unfortunately must decline your invitation.

It's not because I am not fan of your work. Quite the opposite. If find your imagery both juxtoposed in subject/setting and surreal in contextual motif. My reason for declining is singular and irrefutably significant to a late-twenties early-thirties urban dwelling, not so hip but comfortable in hip circles kind of fellow like myself. I am committed to watch the series finale of "Friends".

Call it a massive conflict of schedule that I am sure will befall any artist, painter, playwright or photographer fool enough to schedule their opening night opposite the juggernaut timeslot of Thursday night Must-See-TV. I feel it is my cultural obligation to bear witness to this generational epoch. It's been a decade in the making, and each episode has helped define a TV nation by the broadcast mores of yuppie urban social conduct. I have compiled a short list of important issues so boldly addressed on this stately program:

12 step recovery expose on intra-marriage neo-lesbian love triangle, with prerequisite child that virtually vanishes by the end of the series.
"The Rachel" as career making hairstyle study.
The importance of social circle musical-chair dating.
Fat girls grow up to be hot, thin and neat-freak neurotic.
Geeks score chicks like Jennifer Aniston.
Effeminate men score fat girls that grow up to be hot, thin, and neat-freak neurotic.
Manhattan apartments of improbable size are quite common among the average income stunningly attractive set.
Struggling actor types are ~~just plain stupid~~ genius spin-off series fodder.
You don't have to be as strikingly attractive as your friends as long as you compensate by being exceptionally eccentric, marginally tuneful with lightly amusing folksongs about stinky felines, doubled as a twin or incestuous child bearer for blood relatives.

There are dozens more of telling examples and I would further collect and present them to you, but I have to go watch contestants obliterate their genetic identity on a cosmetic surgery infomercial parading as a reality TV show called "The Swan." Best of luck with the photography.

Yours truly,
The Absurdist

The Absurdist to John Kerry: "Why you no wear the ribbon?"

2004-05-02T16:04:00.000-04:00

I wish I could have an audience with Senator John Kerry. This whole medal throwing incident has got me completely irate. Can you believe a highly decorated veteran standing up against a war he feels is unjust? A man of service, a man of conviction, a man of principle? Clearly, this single, isolated incidence is not being blow out of proportion in a slimey attempt to declare a man in the eyes of a malleable public. Absolutely not. Heaven forefend. Kerry = bad. Mudslinging attack dogs = good.

The Absurdist, a noted rolling stone and global citizen, calls good ole American a part time home. So, wanting to delve deeper into getting the real facts behind the controversy, I dialed up the first John Kerry in the phone book and proceeded to get to the bottom of it.

The Absurdist: Hello, Mr. Kerry?

J. Kerry: This is he.

The Absurdist: "I smoked it, but I did not inhale." "I threw the ribbon but not the medal." Is there something about democrats and not going all the way?

J. Kerry: I beg your pardon?

The Absurdist: Oh, you've clearly been media coached. Let's cut to the chase. Apparently, you only threw away the ribbons. I mean, come on. The best part is the medal. The ribbon is, like, totally replaceable.

J. Kerry: Who is this?

The Absurdist: Bush campaign advisor Karen Hughes went on record to say, "I can understand if out of conscience you take a principled stand and you would decide that you were so opposed to this that you would actually throw your medals. But to pretend to do so, I think that's very revealing." How do you respond to that?

J. Kerry: Who is Karen Hughes?

The Absurdist: I see. More pretending.

J. Kerry: I don't know that woman.

The Absurdist: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

J. Kerry: Is that a Bill Clinton quote? Why are you quoting Bill Clinton quotes to me?

The Absurdist: Oh stop with the reindeer games, Senator. He's your fellow Democrat!

J. Kerry: This is not Senator John Kerry. I'm just John Kerry from Iowa.

The Absurdist: ... are you... serious?

J. Kerry: Yes.

The Absurdist: Ummm... wanna save on long distance?

This week in Regret goddamn...

2004-04-30T07:39:00.000-04:00

Don't get me wrong, this week in Tokyo has been absolutely smashing: the great restaurants, neon spectacles and English language atrophy has been nothing shy of splendid. However, over there in the western hemisphere, my usual stomping grounds, I feel unique opportunities have passed me by. The following is a collection of things I would have loved to have done, but, for reasons of "time" and "space", could not.

TORONTO: Highly esteemed spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, grants a special audience of blessing and compassion at the epicentre of Monster Truck Rallies, sloppy joes, and pop concert bacchanalia: the Toronto Skydome. [notes via Accordian Guy]

NEW YORK: P. Diddy, but marquee me Sean Combs, debuts on the Broadway centre stage and gets a right proper Hazing in the Sun. [critics bile compiled via Gawker] [opening night A-List via New Yorkish]

NEW YORK: Dressing up for the Costume Institure Gala Awards: Renee Zellweger in Caroline Herrerra, Hugh Jackman in Dolce & Gabbana, Lucy Liu in Ungaro, The Absurdist in Target. [via Fashion Week Daily]

INDIO: This weekends mammoth California outdoor Coachella Festival: Radiohead, the Pixies reunited, the Cure, Air, Kraftwerk, countless other headliners and buzz bands. Oh just shut up. [regret shared by Boing Boing]

Air Stockings sweeping the nation

2004-04-27T07:27:00.001-04:00

What are all those hip Japanese kids getting all fired up about in Shibuya? On a recent trip to the Far East, I was fortunate enough to experience the miracle of Air Stockings, "a fine, silk aerosol spray" used to lacquer up one's legs to give the illusion of wearing pantyhose. Savvy Japanese women are gobbling the product up.

They're waterproof, tear proof and remarkably convincing.

However there are several drawbacks:
- Air Stockings can mark up clothing, so one must be careful during applications.
- Air Stockings cannot be used to tie a lover's hands behind their back when engaging in spirited role play. Nor gag a miscreant submissive. (safe word: banana)
- Air Stockings are notoriously unfit for use in smash and grabs, street muggings or bank robberies. The spray format simply lacks the ability to constrict facial features into a non-recognizable contortion. Although it gives thugs a silky, even complexion.
- You can't strain chicken stock with Air Stockings.
- You can't fill an Air Stocking with nails and swing it at pesky stray cats.
- No static zapping around the office.
- No more stocking removal strip teasing. With Air Stockings, it's more of a vigorous soap and water Turkish scrub down.

Despite these obvious drawbacks, there is a place in the world for Air Stockings. The reassurance that you go about your day with little fear of an awkward or embarrassing tear in your $25 SPANX Power Panty Stockings (by Nordstrom) can only be replaced with the reassurance that one will be ripping open a polar ice-cap sized, cancer inducing tear in the ozone layer.

Next up, the spray on condom.

Emergency brainstorm session, offices of M. Ciccone-Ritchie

2004-04-23T01:10:00.000-04:00

Memo:

To: Madonna, Maverick Records
From: The Absurdist, strategic consultant
Date: April 23, 2004
Subject: those jerks at Warner Music calling in the $92.5 million tab

The following is a series of recommendations to a) neutralize the threat of evil arch-nemesis Warner Music with their impetuous reluctance to be sued for $200 million, and b) get Maverick Records back into black from being the red ink spilling open gash sucking more money than Anna Nicole Smith at Texas retirement party.

Ideation:

i) Subsequent to the cashing in of tepid, mid-charting singles repackaged as GHV2, release a series of GHV3, GHV4, GHV5 and GHV6 with tracks that have remotely even brushed the Billboard 100. Consider it the equivalent of the cycling Mexican economy- Need more money? Print more pesos!

ii) Have a third children's book ghost written by an elderly British woman with literacy problems and a knack for ham-fisted preachiness. The first two seemed to sell like hotcakes to an unsuspecting public of slack-jawed lemmings.

iii) Redub the Madonna Re-Invention Tour to the more appropriate Madonna Re-Financing Tour. Jack floor seat prices from a smash and grab $300 to a pillage and plunder $1200. You've been gang-raping gay culture for the past 20 years. Why stop now at gang-raping gay wallets?

iv) Forget about Britney and Christina. You've unsuccessfully tried to lure them away from their respective labels with promises of lucre and lesbianism. It's time to woo the Duffster. Get Hillary and bring home that wholesome treasure trove lined with line extension after line extension.

v) Unleash Sex 2: Sexier. But for this round of the erotic picture book, replace the leather bondage motif with tantric Hollywood mysticism, photographer Steven Meisel with Terry Richardson and Vanilla Ice with Clay Aiken.

NOTE: It is under strong advisement that you consider the following:

- Declaring bankruptcy is far less humiliating than a repeat appearance in another GAP ad.

- You cannot remix Don't Cry For Me Argentina any more times. It is just no longer possible.

- It is too late to cash in on the cone bra. Leave it be.

- It's probably too late to work with Linda Perry and/or the Matrix.

Being Kevin Spacey

2004-04-21T08:42:00.000-04:00

Inspired by Kevin Spacey's recent dog walking, mugging, recinding mugging incident, I decided that I should walk my dog in Geraldine Mary Harmsworth Park in South London at 4:30 in the morning. My hope is to gain deeper insight in the acclaimed thespian's headspace. Being a rising star of stage and screen myself, I hold Mr. Spacey's acting chops in the highest regard. If all us dedicated to the craft of acting and media insistent heterosexuality could emulate Mr. Spacey's daily routine, perhaps than we all could be as talented as he. Arming myself with a mini tape recorder and miniature toy poodle, Fefe, I set out the South London park to become the actor.

The following are the verbal memoirs of my experience of Being Kevin Spacey:

04:30- "It's really dark out now. Fefe seems to not want to pee at all in this park. She is starting to whine and I'm getting the Blair Witch feeling."

04:33- "No sign of anyone approaching. At this hour it seems outrageous that anyone would be out in the cover of night unless they were looking for something specific. Fefe is still agitated. Pee, dammit dog, pee!"

04:45- "Ho hummm. Still no sign of anyone. I'm getting a strange feeling that there are people out there, lurking and checking me out. Like they're waiting to pounce. But not a scary "I'm going to mug you for your cell phone and bonk you on the head" feeling. I can't quite describe it yet."

04:58- "Fefe is really getting agitated. She's literally shaking and walking funny. Her hind legs are all tight like they have rigor mortis. Like she's chenching her ass together. I should take her to the vet about that."

05:03- "What was that? Fefe did you hear that? There's a strange slurping noise coming from behind that tree in the distance. I can't quite figure it out, but it sounds wrong. As I move closer, I hear a strange zipping noise and the hurried patter of running shoes and ducking behind bushes. I pursue knowing Fefe will provide support in fending off any threat of thuggery."

05:04- " Gone. I see nothing. It's still very dark so they could be anywhere really. I remain alert and patient."

05:10- "There! Rustling in the bushes!"

05:11- "Goodness! A strange man has emerge and is approaching. I grip Fefe's leash ready to swing the small dog like a bull whip at a moment's notice."

05:12- A dialogue ensues:

Man: "Hey man. How's it going."

The Absurdist: "Not bad. Nice night to walk a dog."

Man: smirkingly "Yeah, real nice."

The Absurdist: with sly inquisitiveness "You don't seem to have a dog out with you tonight. What are you doing out here tonight?"

Man: "Looking for a little action. You?"

The Absurdist: "I guess you could say that."

Man: gestures to bush "I think I could offer you a little bit of that."

The Absurdist: ....

Man: touches the front of my cotton Eddie Bauer chinos "Are you ready for a little action?"

The Absurdist: "Is this when you take my phone?"

I would like to kick alanis morrisette's ass for fucking up irony. why didn't she screw up onomatopea instead?

2004-04-20T23:50:00.000-04:00

Alanis Morrisette is some kind of deranged lunatic. She has, what corporate HR people like to refer to as "blind spots." As in, your work is excellent, your results are outstanding, you have achieved things that others dream of being able to achieve over the entirety of their miserable, mediocrity-ridden lifetimes but you will be prevented from advancing. The reason is because you have "blind spots."

"Blind spots." It's very vague, indeed. Not too actionable. Not to helpful, either. So I will endeavour, in the course of this essay, to provide a perfomance improvement action plan for Alanis Morrisette so that she may be a better person, a better employee, a better human unit for a better human race. Because your improvement, my dear Ms. Morrisette, is in our collective best interest.

Blind Spot #1: Learn the English language. Obviously, you need to brush up on your figures of speech. Irony is not coincidence. It just isn't. I will not have the same conversation with you that was scripted in the 90's Generation-X Mall-ywood cinema nouveau classic, Reality Bites. Do not force me to assume the tone of Ethan Hawke. I hate it when i sound like that, especially without my green cardigan on.
Action Step: Never speak of irony again. Not even in song. Especially not in song.

Blind Spot #2: Showing off your nudie is neither shocking nor original. Thank goodness for the Gaussian Blur. If not, your video for "Thank-You" would have been an eye searing brunette carpet fest instead of the adolation to your vaguely potato shaped figure meandering around Anyville, USA trying desperately not to trip over your straggly, greasy hair. Puh-lease, Alanis - shock me shock me with that deviant behaviour. The only thing shocking is some copyright lawyer didn't sue you for riding off on Lady Godiva's horse. But then again, Alanis is no stranger to being told, "you can't do that on television."
Action Step: Get a personal trainer or keep your kit on.

Blind Spot #3: Showing off your nude suited body with giant cartoon nipples is actually kind of ridiculous. Janet showed real titty. The whole nude suit thing at the Juno Awards is so half assed, it just reeks of amateurishness parading as learnedness. Wrong has acheived a whole new level. Oh wait.. refer to Blind Spot #1.
Action Step: Go full on or go fuck off.

Blind Spot #4: Angry is so over. Jagged little pill is so schticky. Supposed former infatuation junky is so muddled. Why not actually string something coherent together in a playful, positive manner?
Action Step: Bitter is the new jilted. Anger is so mid 90's bull dyke protest rally. Get back on track with passive non-confrontationalism. Assume things will blow over. Turn the other cheek. Or better yet, have HR do your dirty work.

When others try to "get" me while in an awefully pissy mood

2004-04-19T01:05:00.000-04:00

The Absurdist on Feedback:

hate

The Absurdist on Hipsters:

"Hipsters totally suck, with their pretentious art-fuck scenesterism and relentless pursuit of cool shit. Could you return my Xiu Xiu cd and my copy of Donnie Darko?"
The Absurdist on Dieting:

"Gawd, it's so pointless. I mean, c'mon. If Atkins died comatose and morbidly obese off an IV drip, then what the hell chance do you think you've really got?"
The Absurdist on Aging:

"I'm so over this whole age shit. Age is just a number and I'm as cool as I feel. Could you return my Dido cd and my fondue set?"

Possible consequences of eating spoiled yoghurt

2004-04-12T13:45:00.000-04:00

Consequence #1: Gas
Course of Action: Ingest anti-flatulence drug. Seek "alone time."

Consequence #2: Dizziness
Course of Action: Lie down. Stand up quickly. Repeat.

Consequence #3: Vomiting
Course of Action: Induce vomiting.

Consequence #4: Dementia
Course of Action: Obtain house-coat. Dress. Wander.

Consequence #5: Live Bacterial Possession
Course of Action: Get priest. Exorcise.

Consequence #6: Nothing
Course of Action: Resume eating. Do not waste food.

Absurd is the new absurd

2004-04-11T10:57:00.000-04:00

A collection of 'new' replacing tired, worn out and woefully overexposed.

blacker

blacker

~~America is the new insidious mind control~~

Never leave your Instant Messenger unattended

2004-04-06T21:53:00.000-04:00

When you go to a public internet cafe and sign into your instant messenger, ensure you do not leave that cafe without signing out of said instant messenger. Very bad. Very very bad. Some strange bastard could easily come by and violate your entire address book. Fortunately, abused IM conversation logs are fun to review. For example:

IM Usurper Episode 1:

(fake) The Absurdist: Mom. I'm gay.

Mom: I knew it.

(fake) The Absurdist: You did?

Mom: yes.

(fake) The Absurdist: I want a sex change.

Mom: you always looked better in dresses.

(fake) The Absurdist: i want huge tits.

Mom: if you're going to be a woman, you might as well have big tits.

(fake) The Absurdist: do you still love me?

Mom: do I have a choice?

(fake) The Absurdist: stop judging me.

Mom: to judge, I first need to care

(fake) The Absurdist: I'm actually not your son. I'm a stranger in an internet cafe. this IM account was left open.

Mom: again, still not caring

(fake) The Absurdist: You people are messed up

Mom: it's nice that you care enough to judge

(fake) The Absurdist: this is too weird.

end session.

*"Mom" may or may have not actually been "Mom".

The Absurdist

Google ranks the #1 failure

Vatican City cheers as Madonna finally crucified

Duh.

The fruits of your mother's loins

How to Be Trendy Douchebag post Sex-and-the-City (Lesson 1.1)

How to Be Trendy Douchebag post Sex-and-the-City (Lesson 1.0)

Comic books are soooo gay

BBC: Expert farce checker

Marginally more racist headlines veto'd by the New York Post

Time ravages, tucks renew

Should I be an academic?

Holy Shit

The Vowels of Santa Claus

Bless us, it Xmas!

ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY!

Oh, that bitch....

Style iconography

Attack of the Laguna Beach clones

Thong gone wrong

World Stupidity Awards

Meet my parents

Everything old is stupid again

Metrosexual Version 2.0

Sex versus crash pad...

Toronto "Gay Pride" gathering....

Remy Stern, where are you?

The consumer insight that launched a zillion hedge-clippers

OMG- The Onion, I *heart* you

Patience vs Dead Tomorrow: a fork in the fucking frustrating road

Wacko Jacko no Paedo Pan

Denton disses Canada

Mac to the future

Spin this: "When I said America is the middle finger of the world I really meant...

Personal style winner of the century

Hoodies are the new terrorism

Amish is the new black

Kylie say it ain't so

Tom Cruise feels that... wants that...

George Lucas! I love you!

Iraq War Coverage? ABC News: "feh."

Ricky Martin is not gay

Introducing the Internet's newest superstar: Nosfer-Tara-Tu

What Katie Holmes is really saying into her cell phone

Kate Moss shockingly fashion retarded!

Ms. Wrong

The "Inter-Net" = public venting post of good and evil

When they said everyone's blogging now, they really meant everybody freaking blogging

TV watching this Easter eve

Billy Idol's ball shaving

Early Warning! Persistent Vegatative State

Jessica Alba sluts it up

Jeff Gannon- why are you back?

Open letter to Blogsnob

J.Lo poised to destroy another lover's career again

Keira Knightley confess fear of media... to the media

Unborn baby already forced to beg like a common fetal street urchin

Yogi Berra- you give goood Yogasm

My robotic spat with Laim.name

When the Chinese drink, they drink like fish

Shaved balls and burning bushes

Willy Wintour? Anna Wonka?

Foreign Strippers Can't Catch A Break

Indecent scents

Sir Elton John vs Vile Pigs

Celebrity acts of deplorable, brazen homosexuality and/or perversion we'd like to see

A tale of a whale, but not really

Festering at the Toronto International Film Festival

Airplane passengers that suck

My encounter with EMI Canada

A dredful experience

The Edmonton Fringe festival bloodbath

Gawk Trois: Will the real Jessica Coen please stand up?

Republican Convention Schedule Update

Maria Sharapova is so hot right now

Ugly legal battle over Star Wars III title

Ja Rule in a jailbird ruling? The Absurdist says Yes.

Jacko spawns again: The Absurdist gets in-depth and exclusive

Pete Townsend vs Michael Moore, the only good research is first hand research

While Kerry and Edwards may canoodle, Dubya thinks I'm pretty...

OMG- The Onion, I heart you