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The AbsurdistThe Absurdist

Tuesday, April 27, 2004
  Air Stockings sweeping the nation

What are all those hip Japanese kids getting all fired up about in Shibuya? On a recent trip to the Far East, I was fortunate enough to experience the miracle of Air Stockings, "a fine, silk aerosol spray" used to lacquer up one's legs to give the illusion of wearing pantyhose. Savvy Japanese women are gobbling the product up.

They're waterproof, tear proof and remarkably convincing.

However there are several drawbacks:
- Air Stockings can mark up clothing, so one must be careful during applications.
- Air Stockings cannot be used to tie a lover's hands behind their back when engaging in spirited role play. Nor gag a miscreant submissive. (safe word: banana)
- Air Stockings are notoriously unfit for use in smash and grabs, street muggings or bank robberies. The spray format simply lacks the ability to constrict facial features into a non-recognizable contortion. Although it gives thugs a silky, even complexion.
- You can't strain chicken stock with Air Stockings.
- You can't fill an Air Stocking with nails and swing it at pesky stray cats.
- No static zapping around the office.
- No more stocking removal strip teasing. With Air Stockings, it's more of a vigorous soap and water Turkish scrub down.

Despite these obvious drawbacks, there is a place in the world for Air Stockings. The reassurance that you go about your day with little fear of an awkward or embarrassing tear in your $25 SPANX Power Panty Stockings (by Nordstrom) can only be replaced with the reassurance that one will be ripping open a polar ice-cap sized, cancer inducing tear in the ozone layer.

Next up, the spray on condom.

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