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The AbsurdistThe Absurdist

Monday, August 30, 2004
  Airplane passengers that suck

1. Man of unbelievably offensive body odour: literally, my hair perms when
he walks by. Fortunately I am not seated too closely by him, but if I was,
and I am typically not one to put up a massive, public fuss, I would insist
on another seat. Or him ejected. Or a spacesuit.

2. Tacky woman of southern stock: Well, they say the bigger the hair the
closer to God. With this hair in this airplane, this woman is not only close
to God, but damn well in His face. Now that blonde beehive of backcombed
madness is not the paramount frustration. Nor is her equally laquered chatty
Kathy friend. It's they're gaudy insistence on obnoxiously painting their
nails while bleating loudly like braying, nasally hyenas. Nail polish on any
ocassion, let alone in the confined recirculated air of the airplane cabin,
gives me a jackhammering headache. Add to that their ceaseless yammering and
you've got Southern Belle hell.

3. Morbid Obecitus: In future, buy your fat self two adjacent seats and get
the fuck out of mine. Yes, I want the arm rest down, and no, I do mind your
voluminous spill touch my person.

4. Lonely, elderly crackpot: I'm sorry, maybe I can't hear you or your
insufferable prattle either. Are you offering me lint encrusted sweets?

5. Busy power office worker woman: she's got something to prove against all
those Men. And dammit, that laptop circled by ringlets of confidential
reports and forecasts and memos is going to get you promoted to crusty old
cougar faster then you can say " ticking biological clock."
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Sunday, August 29, 2004
  My encounter with EMI Canada

After discover of EMI Canada's policy of copy protection, I pecked this missive out like an irrate elderly woman post titty-gate Superbowl half-time show.

"It it very unfortunate that as an avid music fan and honest music consumer that I find myself skipping through the EMI catalogue of recordings because they are all incompatible for use on my computers or my iPod. On average, I purchase 2 cd's a week and will continue to do so as artists innovate the artwork, packaging, bonus material and liner notes of their work. I am sorry your business strategy has lost the plot in making the product worth owning, portable on the unstoppable tide of new technology, and reinforcing the general public's perception that record labels are reactionary crooks that dare consider the average music enthusiast to be no more than common criminals. I will leave you with a final positive note, however. There are many artists on your roster that I do find of quality. Perhaps on a trip abroad I may pick up a non-copy protected copy, which I can gladly say will not be contributing to your quarterly sales targets. I don't buy 8-tracks because they are not compatible with my system. Just like I don't by EMI Canada releases."

  A dredful experience

There is possibly nothing more repulsive than being brushed across the face by a stranger's errant, moist dredlock. Let's put aside the stereotypes of the dirty hippy, the stoner slacker, or the barefoot tofu muncher- the thing that races most clearly though my mind at the moment this pungent matting of unwashed hair stroked my face like a stiff rat carcass is that it was teeming with lethal micro-organisms second only to carpet bacteria.

The real reason why Lenny Kravitz loped off his dreds? The Health Inspector put the black list on any restaurant in which he dined, quarantined for "bacterial deinfestation". Now ya know.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004
  The Edmonton Fringe festival bloodbath

Having jettisoned into Edmonton for a few days, I was fortunate to partake in what is the largest Fringe Theatre Festival in North America. Combined with the world's largest shopping mall, Edmonton's got, well, two things going for it. Oh and unlike the rest of Canada, there's no provincial sales tax. So I guess there's three good things.

None the less, I was unable to attend any actual fringe theatre productions but was treated to what I like to call a bit of artist street brawl theatre. Standing outside the Next Act Pub, a drinking establishment renown for pre/post theatre imbibery, an unfortunate fisticuff between fey artistic fellows broke out. Not only was there bitch slapping, hair pulling and shrill, effeminate screeching, but a lady friend of mine had a large dollop of spittle splork her upside the head. One bloodied and broken nose later, a victor emerged lisping triumphantly as the loser sashayed off to, what I assume, his costmetic surgeon.

I've got to catch my flight, so that is all.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004
  Gawk Trois: Will the real Jessica Coen please stand up?

Gawker's Choire Sicha has vacated the building. Having been promoted to Editorial Director overseeing the Gawker Media stable of meta-linking snark sharks, a new editor must rise from the gossipy sewing circle crucible. Some suspected it would be Andrew Krucoff. But, alas, it is not. The successor is 24 year old Santa Monica-cum-New York City emmigre Jessica Coen. How the New York socialismo and media elite will react to a clearly non-native is anyone's guess, but more importantly both the blog-o-sphere and proper media channels are all aflutter on the identity of this ingenue. Foolishly, few have ventured to even conduct the most cursory of hipsterati quasi-journalistic research tools: friendster.

Monday, August 09, 2004
  Republican Convention Schedule Update

by Republican Party Presidential Committee
August 2, 2004

-- Please note the following additions/changes to the previous Convention Schedule --

August 30

6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER read by Mel Gibson, while being flogged with a spiked leather strap wielded by Ann Coulter, who will enjoy it a little too much.

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level from beige to ecru.

* LEST WE FORGET -- HONORARY ROLL CALL of All Members of (and Friends of) Bush Administration Who Might Very Well Have Been Killed In Vietnam If It Hadn't Been For Nasty Trick Knees, Anal Cysts, Recurrent Headaches, and Highly-Placed, Overly-Protective Parents. (Sponsored by Tyson Chicken)


* DICK CHENEY hosts AMBASSADORSHIP RAFFLE - Opening Bid $1,000,000 (cash, non-sequential bills, 20s or less)

* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- FILM - "BRING IT ON!" Stirring fictionalized re-creation of Mr. Bush's actual dental appointment in Alabama in 1972, where he showed the incredible courage to allow "deep cleaning" of gums without anesthetic. (Sponsored by Sinclair Broadcasting)

* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- "GET BAKED WITH RUSH "Crankster" LIMBAUGH! (Location TBD) (Sponsored by Pfizer)

August 31

6 p.m.-- OPENING PRAYER read by Our Lord (The Passion Of) Jesus H. Christ, as channeled by Lt. General William G. "Jerry" Boykin, the man who first revealed that Mr. Bush was chosen by God to lead this country into war against the heathens. Gen. Boykin will then give a short, upbeat presentation on Islam called, "My God can Beat Up Your God."

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FLASHING RED.

* WAYNE LAPIERRE will pry Davy Crockett's Kentucky Long Rifle out of Charlton Heston's cold dead fingers (subject to Heston's death) (Sponsored by Smith & Wesson)

* DESIGNATED BROWN PERSON (Hispanic or Muslim, or possibly an Hispanic Muslim, if we can find one) will speak on how being a brown person doesn't automatically disqualify you from being a Republican (subject to finding a brown person capable of being bribed to do this - may need professional actor, possibly brought in from 3rd world country)

* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- PAUL WOLFOWITZ announces American plans to invade Iran, strip them of nuclear weapons, and turn over entire country to Bechtel to be run as a subsidiary. (Wolfowitz will tell anxious voters that the operation will involve 200 out-sourced "consultants", will take one week and will be entirely funded by pocket change found in a White House couch.)

(Sponsored by Halliburton)

* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- "RIDE THE WAVE WITH RUSH "Big Oxy" LIMBAUGH!" (Do a couple of 'ringers' with Big Pharma - sponsored by ROBITUSSIN)


* 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by the REVEREND JERRY FALWELL who will demonstrate the spirit of CompassionateConservatism(tm) and the eternal mercy of God by wishing a horrible fiery death and an eternity in the pit of hell for all non-white, non-male, non-Christian non-heterosexual non-Republicans.

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to PULSATING RED

* THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF INSANELY RICH PERSONS (AAIRP) will present LAURA BUSH with A PLATINUM CHAINSAW in thanks for the Bush Administration tax cuts (Sponsored by Gulfstream)

* ANN COULTER, BILL O'REILLY and SEAN HANNITY will lead a special TWO-MINUTE HATE aimed at photo of John Kerry.

* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- DIEBOLD CORPORATION WILL ANNOUNCE ELECTION RETURNS -- BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION WITH 51% OF VOTE (YET TO BE CAST). (JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA will certify vote results) Diebold Board member Wilbur H. Grafton will deny fraud, announce his retirement, and be named the new Ambassador to Jamaica. (Sponsored by Diebold)


SEPTEMBER 2 (Nomination Night)

* 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT, who will then sing "Let the Eagle Soar" and light the ceremonial "TORCH OF FREEDOM(tm) with the (actual) Bill of Rights.

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to Fire Engine Red, and ANNOUNCES CAPTURE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN.


* PRESIDENT BUSH WILL GIVE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, standing on Osama's dead body (Provided by the Wax Museum).

Wednesday, August 04, 2004
  Maria Sharapova is so hot right now

Tennis has a new angel. Maria Sharapova is Russia's white hot rising star of tennis and I am officially in love. I'm here in Montreal boozing it up at the US Open series and fawning over Ms. Sharapova's stroke. And it is one mean stroke. She trounced (albeit mostly I the third set) Christina Brandi. I may be drunk but is that Matthew Perry? Nnnaaaahh.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

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