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The AbsurdistThe Absurdist

Wednesday, May 25, 2005
  Mac to the future

With the recent introduction of music video sales on the iTunes Music Store, Apple CEO Steve Jobs fielded questions about whether or not movies might eventually be on sale. Jobs reportedly answered:

Well let me take a trip in my fucking time machine, you evasive twat visionary godhead! The public demands to know! Most importantly, will the discrete home purchase and consumption of pornography be offered via iTunes? Or will you spin the perfect internet convergence of amateur sex video and the iTunes into a sister company branded iPorn?

  Spin this: "When I said America is the middle finger of the world I really meant...

This is so meta, but I think this blunder totally rules (thanks Feh.):


  Personal style winner of the century

Next time I'm in at the hair salon, remind me to ask for the "Phil Spector". Then shoot my hair stylist until dead for crimes against humanity.

Thursday, May 19, 2005
  Hoodies are the new terrorism

Want to identify a surefire hooligan? As I am here in London, they can spot you by the hoodie that you wear...

Wednesday, May 18, 2005
  Amish is the new black

I was just in Ohio visiting my local Amish Wal-mart. It sure was courteous of them to reserve spaces for my horse and carriage. Too bad the ole mare shat on that tiny Mini Cooper convertible autowagon. I was kind enough to leave a note on the windshield.

I was mighty impressed with all those blue smocks the kind store folks were wearing. Blue is a little non-traditional for the folks living in Bird In the Hand, and Reverend Jeb would sure have a fit if I were to wear anything of the sort to the Parrish.

There are so many lovely things stocked at the local Amish Wal-mart. I was a marveling at them fancy picture and noise boxes called Sanyo. Them images move like witchcraft. I quickly left that part of the store for fear of being ensnared by their wickedness.

When Sally Jane and Parker showed up, we headed over to the footwear department for some knee high socks. Mamma's getting tired of mending my worn out socks so it's best I buy some new ones, lest Aunt Patty insist on knitting me some new one with that itchy yarn she be spindling. I think her socks be like witchcraft.

I think there may be a sale on suspenders, so I stock up on an addition four pairs, all in black. Then that nice old lady in the blue smock with smiley face buttons goes and tells me them suspenders are "everyday low price". Well, I nearly flipped! If they are charging $3.95 for a pair of suspenders I'm going to get an extra eight pairs!

When I arrived at the Amish checkout, the cashier was kind enough to calculate my total payment on a handicrafted abacus and to bag by wares in a burlap sack.

When Sally Jane, Parker and I arrived back in the parking lot for our carriage, we was shocked! The old mare was shot dead and lay in a hump. Pinned to her left ear was a note.

"You shit in my car, you pay, you inbred Amish fuck!"

Tuesday, May 17, 2005
  Kylie say it ain't so

Australian born minx Kylie Minogue, the most fabulous ass in the business (J. Lo, it aint you), has breast cancer.

The tour company added: "She will undergo immediate treatment and consequently her Australian tour will not be able to proceed as planned."

Friday, May 13, 2005
  Tom Cruise feels that... wants that...

The following quote which I read in Reader's Digest (yes, it keeps me top of my gossip game for the sewing bee) is sooo good I was compelled to blog it.
It doesn't really sound like he knows what he's talking about, does it?

Here's ex-wife Mimi Rodgers take on Tom and Tom's want of sex:

Thursday, May 12, 2005
  George Lucas! I love you!

Holy shit. I was strolling along, minding my own beeswax, skipping towards the Metreon in downtown San Francisco when out of the blue pops Mr. Star Wars himself, George Lucas!

He's kinda stubby.

I'm going to keep stumbling along to find out what the hell he and the zillion overweight guys in Stormtrooper costumes are doing here. I am aflutter like a little schoolgirl!
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

UPDATE: Not only was the Lucas in full presences, but aging Sex and the City alumus (no- Not Kim Catrall), former pretty model man Jason Lewis was also there aping for cameras and flashing that handsome smile of his. Curse, you pretty boy, for hording all the pretty genes for your miserable self! He looked tall, but years are atarting to wear on that mug of his.

  Iraq War Coverage? ABC News: "feh."

War is soooooo not newsworthy? Yes, suggests ABC News.

I'm absolutely disgusted. Back to Macaulay Culkin and Michael Jackson. Or Paula Adbul's Idolgate. Or the Runaway Bride. Fuck, does America love itself and only itself? I need a paxil...

  Ricky Martin is not gay

Dashing the hopes of thousands of Puerto Rican loving homosexuals the world over, Ricky Martin has stepped out of the closet of his heterosexuality.

I am a normal man. I love women and sex." quoth the swivel hipped, latin singer.

As the internet clammers to uproot any evidence to support or to contrast (you dirty filthy gossip bitches know who you are!), The Absurdist legal defense department notes the following:

Ricky Martin admits to loving women. Ricky Martin admits to loving sex. Ricky Martin does not explicitly admit to loving sex with women. We rest our case.

Sunday, May 08, 2005
  Introducing the Internet's newest superstar: Nosfer-Tara-Tu


This is a genuine photo culled from the internet. I swear.

The sassy fang-riddled undead thing with the nightshade eyes, oily coat of horse hair, and the deadbolt scars on her forehead to the far right? Her name is Tara (Nosfer-Tara-Tu).

And the flash of the camera has flash fried her complexion into a crisp golden brown.

The moral of the story? No point. Just a bitchy-ass, hung over Sunday.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005
  What Katie Holmes is really saying into her cell phone

While the blogosphere goes apeshit over Katie Holmes' Tom Cruise infected mouth rot, The Absurdist has cunningly uncovered fragments of her cell phone conversation now transcribed here. Godbless the Whisper 2000.

"...Tom, about that oral sex..."

"...I don't think anyone will notice- my gawdawful, tacky eyeglasses will surely divert their attention..."

"...and you're sure Scientology will help them go away?"

"...no, no, I totally understand. When you called out "Chris Klein" last night, you were probably just channeling my memory of my ex-boyfriend..."

"...you really think the opening of Batman Begins will be huge?"

"..sure, I still have Chris's phone number..."

"...yeah, ever since I saw you in the overt, homosexuality charged showerscene in Top Gun..."

"...you noticed me when I started dating Chris Klein?"

"...yeah, just tell your publicist to tell my publicist when we should go out on our next date..."

Tuesday, May 03, 2005
  Kate Moss shockingly fashion retarded!

Fashion Week Daily reports Brit supermodel Kate Moss sports a fake mustache and beard on the cover of V Magazine (May 02, 2005).

Shock shock! But for not the reasons you may think. Fashion is so cutting edge, n'est pas? But of course! And Kate Moss an icon, if not muse, of forward thinking visionaries, say like Inez Van Lamsweerde and Vinoodh Matadin, oui?

As impressed as I should be of the balls it would have taken to put such a vision of beauty in such counter gender subversive imagery, I have but this to say:

"I don't give a FUUUUUCKKKK!!"
~ Peaches.

It's sad and true. If it's in fashion, it's not original.

Thinker Absurd

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