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The AbsurdistThe Absurdist

Wednesday, April 21, 2004
  Being Kevin Spacey

Inspired by Kevin Spacey's recent dog walking, mugging, recinding mugging incident, I decided that I should walk my dog in Geraldine Mary Harmsworth Park in South London at 4:30 in the morning. My hope is to gain deeper insight in the acclaimed thespian's headspace. Being a rising star of stage and screen myself, I hold Mr. Spacey's acting chops in the highest regard. If all us dedicated to the craft of acting and media insistent heterosexuality could emulate Mr. Spacey's daily routine, perhaps than we all could be as talented as he. Arming myself with a mini tape recorder and miniature toy poodle, Fefe, I set out the South London park to become the actor.

The following are the verbal memoirs of my experience of Being Kevin Spacey:

04:30- "It's really dark out now. Fefe seems to not want to pee at all in this park. She is starting to whine and I'm getting the Blair Witch feeling."

04:33- "No sign of anyone approaching. At this hour it seems outrageous that anyone would be out in the cover of night unless they were looking for something specific. Fefe is still agitated. Pee, dammit dog, pee!"

04:45- "Ho hummm. Still no sign of anyone. I'm getting a strange feeling that there are people out there, lurking and checking me out. Like they're waiting to pounce. But not a scary "I'm going to mug you for your cell phone and bonk you on the head" feeling. I can't quite describe it yet."

04:58- "Fefe is really getting agitated. She's literally shaking and walking funny. Her hind legs are all tight like they have rigor mortis. Like she's chenching her ass together. I should take her to the vet about that."

05:03- "What was that? Fefe did you hear that? There's a strange slurping noise coming from behind that tree in the distance. I can't quite figure it out, but it sounds wrong. As I move closer, I hear a strange zipping noise and the hurried patter of running shoes and ducking behind bushes. I pursue knowing Fefe will provide support in fending off any threat of thuggery."

05:04- " Gone. I see nothing. It's still very dark so they could be anywhere really. I remain alert and patient."

05:10- "There! Rustling in the bushes!"

05:11- "Goodness! A strange man has emerge and is approaching. I grip Fefe's leash ready to swing the small dog like a bull whip at a moment's notice."

05:12- A dialogue ensues:

Man: "Hey man. How's it going."

The Absurdist: "Not bad. Nice night to walk a dog."

Man: smirkingly "Yeah, real nice."

The Absurdist: with sly inquisitiveness "You don't seem to have a dog out with you tonight. What are you doing out here tonight?"

Man: "Looking for a little action. You?"

The Absurdist: "I guess you could say that."

Man: gestures to bush "I think I could offer you a little bit of that."

The Absurdist: ....

Man: touches the front of my cotton Eddie Bauer chinos "Are you ready for a little action?"

The Absurdist: "Is this when you take my phone?"

Thinker Absurd

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