Emergency brainstorm session, offices of M. Ciccone-Ritchie
To: Madonna, Maverick Records
From: The Absurdist, strategic consultant
Date: April 23, 2004
Subject: those jerks at Warner Music calling in the $92.5 million tab
The following is a series of recommendations to a) neutralize the threat of evil arch-nemesis Warner Music with their impetuous reluctance to be sued for $200 million, and b) get Maverick Records back into black from being the red ink spilling open gash sucking more money than Anna Nicole Smith at Texas retirement party.
i) Subsequent to the cashing in of tepid, mid-charting singles repackaged as GHV2
, release a series of GHV3, GHV4, GHV5 and GHV6 with tracks that have remotely even brushed the Billboard 100. Consider it the equivalent of the cycling Mexican economy- Need more money? Print more pesos!
ii) Have a third children's book ghost written by an elderly British woman with literacy problems and a knack for ham-fisted preachiness. The first two seemed to sell like hotcakes to an unsuspecting public of slack-jawed lemmings.
iii) Redub the Madonna Re-Invention Tour
to the more appropriate Madonna Re-Financing Tour
. Jack floor seat prices from a smash and grab $300 to a pillage and plunder $1200. You've been gang-raping gay culture for the past 20 years. Why stop now at gang-raping gay wallets?
iv) Forget about Britney and Christina. You've unsuccessfully tried to lure them away from their respective labels with promises of lucre and lesbianism. It's time to woo the Duffster. Get Hillary and bring home that wholesome treasure trove lined with line extension after line extension.
v) Unleash Sex 2: Sexier
. But for this round of the erotic picture book, replace the leather bondage motif with tantric Hollywood mysticism, photographer Steven Meisel with Terry Richardson and Vanilla Ice with Clay Aiken.
NOTE: It is under strong advisement that you consider the following:
- Declaring bankruptcy is far less humiliating than a repeat appearance in another GAP ad.
- You cannot remix Don't Cry For Me Argentina any more times. It is just no longer possible.
- It is too late to cash in on the cone bra. Leave it be.
- It's probably too late to work with Linda Perry and/or the Matrix.