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The AbsurdistThe Absurdist

Tuesday, April 20, 2004
  I would like to kick alanis morrisette's ass for fucking up irony. why didn't she screw up onomatopea instead?

Alanis Morrisette is some kind of deranged lunatic. She has, what corporate HR people like to refer to as "blind spots." As in, your work is excellent, your results are outstanding, you have achieved things that others dream of being able to achieve over the entirety of their miserable, mediocrity-ridden lifetimes but you will be prevented from advancing. The reason is because you have "blind spots."

"Blind spots." It's very vague, indeed. Not too actionable. Not to helpful, either. So I will endeavour, in the course of this essay, to provide a perfomance improvement action plan for Alanis Morrisette so that she may be a better person, a better employee, a better human unit for a better human race. Because your improvement, my dear Ms. Morrisette, is in our collective best interest.

Blind Spot #1: Learn the English language. Obviously, you need to brush up on your figures of speech. Irony is not coincidence. It just isn't. I will not have the same conversation with you that was scripted in the 90's Generation-X Mall-ywood cinema nouveau classic, Reality Bites. Do not force me to assume the tone of Ethan Hawke. I hate it when i sound like that, especially without my green cardigan on.
Action Step: Never speak of irony again. Not even in song. Especially not in song.

Blind Spot #2: Showing off your nudie is neither shocking nor original. Thank goodness for the Gaussian Blur. If not, your video for "Thank-You" would have been an eye searing brunette carpet fest instead of the adolation to your vaguely potato shaped figure meandering around Anyville, USA trying desperately not to trip over your straggly, greasy hair. Puh-lease, Alanis - shock me shock me with that deviant behaviour. The only thing shocking is some copyright lawyer didn't sue you for riding off on Lady Godiva's horse. But then again, Alanis is no stranger to being told, "you can't do that on television."
Action Step: Get a personal trainer or keep your kit on.

Blind Spot #3: Showing off your nude suited body with giant cartoon nipples is actually kind of ridiculous. Janet showed real titty. The whole nude suit thing at the Juno Awards is so half assed, it just reeks of amateurishness parading as learnedness. Wrong has acheived a whole new level. Oh wait.. refer to Blind Spot #1.
Action Step: Go full on or go fuck off.

Blind Spot #4: Angry is so over. Jagged little pill is so schticky. Supposed former infatuation junky is so muddled. Why not actually string something coherent together in a playful, positive manner?
Action Step: Bitter is the new jilted. Anger is so mid 90's bull dyke protest rally. Get back on track with passive non-confrontationalism. Assume things will blow over. Turn the other cheek. Or better yet, have HR do your dirty work.
 

Thinker Absurd

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