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The AbsurdistThe Absurdist

Sunday, May 02, 2004
  The Absurdist to John Kerry: "Why you no wear the ribbon?"

I wish I could have an audience with Senator John Kerry. This whole medal throwing incident has got me completely irate. Can you believe a highly decorated veteran standing up against a war he feels is unjust? A man of service, a man of conviction, a man of principle? Clearly, this single, isolated incidence is not being blow out of proportion in a slimey attempt to declare a man in the eyes of a malleable public. Absolutely not. Heaven forefend. Kerry = bad. Mudslinging attack dogs = good.

The Absurdist, a noted rolling stone and global citizen, calls good ole American a part time home. So, wanting to delve deeper into getting the real facts behind the controversy, I dialed up the first John Kerry in the phone book and proceeded to get to the bottom of it.

The Absurdist: Hello, Mr. Kerry?

J. Kerry: This is he.

The Absurdist: "I smoked it, but I did not inhale." "I threw the ribbon but not the medal." Is there something about democrats and not going all the way?

J. Kerry: I beg your pardon?

The Absurdist: Oh, you've clearly been media coached. Let's cut to the chase. Apparently, you only threw away the ribbons. I mean, come on. The best part is the medal. The ribbon is, like, totally replaceable.

J. Kerry: Who is this?

The Absurdist: Bush campaign advisor Karen Hughes went on record to say, "I can understand if out of conscience you take a principled stand and you would decide that you were so opposed to this that you would actually throw your medals. But to pretend to do so, I think that's very revealing." How do you respond to that?

J. Kerry: Who is Karen Hughes?

The Absurdist: I see. More pretending.

J. Kerry: I don't know that woman.

The Absurdist: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

J. Kerry: Is that a Bill Clinton quote? Why are you quoting Bill Clinton quotes to me?

The Absurdist: Oh stop with the reindeer games, Senator. He's your fellow Democrat!

J. Kerry: This is not Senator John Kerry. I'm just John Kerry from Iowa.

The Absurdist: ... are you... serious?

J. Kerry: Yes.

The Absurdist: Ummm... wanna save on long distance?
 

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