Ang Lee's compiled list of things gayer than gay sex

The maelstrom of controversy over the new Ang Lee adaptation of Annie Proulx's critically acclaimed and explicitly homoerotic novel, "Brokeback Mountain" is now panting with dissatisfaction and bi-curious sexual frustration. Starring two of Hollywood's hottest young actors, Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger, director Ang Lee is now saying "two men herding sheep was far more sexual than two men having sex on screen."

Being a straight acting coach specialising in on-screen gay acting, the Absurdist met this pronouncement with broken hearted dismay. This seemed like a golden opportunity to provide a much needed service to these two up and coming, if not already top stars, in positioning the erotica as it would be best gobbled up by a mainstream American audience. I mean, really, you can't expect Americans to just open up and let others ram this stuff down their throats, or perhaps any other warm, moist orifice?

So you ask, why the hell would one want a straight acting coach to choreograph gay sex? We'll here's the insight. Gay sex, no matter how cheesy, awkward, poorly lit or badly acted has universal appeal to gay people.

gay sex => universal appeal => gay people

It's a no brainer. Men are pigs for sex, gay and straight inclusive. The challenge lies with positioning gay sex to the ardently straight, God fearing masses.

gay sex => polarising => straight people

When you narrow it down even further to the current fundamentalist regime of uptight, witch burning, churchy folk running the show, it gets even more dicey.

gay sex => wronger than wrong => churchy folk

That is why a straight acting coaching is required. It takes a straight eye for the queer romp to ensure just enough homosexual innuendo is implied and explicitly portrayed, tasteful like. Otherwise the film will never survive the now mandatory pre-screening process, the process that was apparently corner cut but so desperately needed for Lee's prior film, "The Hulk".

When I approached Lee with my proposal, Lee trotted out that tired ole "sheep herding is super gay" arguement along with the following string of other homoerotic devices, symbols and situational allegories he intends to use in the film. I'm not sure about you but I don't find these particularly hot. Even as a lusty man-pig.

Ang Lee's compiled list of things gayer than gay:

- Heath Ledger in leather chaps (okay, that's kinda gay)
- Jake Gyllenhaal in leather vest (more guido than gay)
- boots and saddles (cliche cliche)
- churning butter (gay because real men don't churn butter)
- wrestling and shearing sheep (gay ain't bestiality)
- horseback riding (can be gay, but don't tell the Marlboro Man)
- hog tying (hey this is getting pretty gay)
- bareback horseriding (oh dear)
- Heath Ledger's big blue eyes (mmmmm...)
- Jake Gyllenhaal's naked upper torso (..nice physique...)
- moonlight creek skinny dipping (...)
- towelling each other off (...)

Ummm... excuse me.  ¶ posted by earnest @ Wednesday, May 26, 2004 | |