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The AbsurdistThe Absurdist

Monday, September 13, 2004
  Celebrity acts of deplorable, brazen homosexuality and/or perversion we'd like to see


As I cruise around Yorkville, the decadent, botox-infused, high end fashion district of Toronto that blossoms into a den of gawking starfuckers every time the Film Festival rolls into town, I stumble across this photo of publicly heterosexual, yet supect closeted pillow biter actors Hugh Jackman and Matt Damon. Yes, the man in the gold lamé ass huggers is "Wolverine" and the man in the stiff blue denim receiving the slippery stick fight is the "Bourne Submissive."

Naturally, this grotesque exercise in wrongness made public on Broadway stage yearns for suitable celebrity pairings of like depravity. Here is my two cents from the Film Festival:

- Hot young sapling Jason Schwatzman bear wrestling with elder apple tree Dustin Hoffman. (both staring in the upcoming I *Heart* Huckabees)

- Selma Blair and her back breaking prosthetic robo-breast (John Waters' upcoming "A Dirty Shame" jello fighting with pre-Trimspa gold-excavating sucubus Anna Nicole Smith.

- Jamie Foxx (In the Ray Charles biop "Ray") doing the blind man cheshire gin sway in dark sunglasses while corn-holing Will Smith for inflicting all that crap Americana on the world.

- Merchant of Venice thesp Joseph Fiennes solo and self loving.

- Stunner Zhang Ziyi and The Absurdist in our private House of Flying Dildos.
 

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