Patience vs Dead Tomorrow: a fork in the fucking frustrating road
I am conflicted. There is much hubris on the internet on two warring factors:
- Patience and the value of "mature" perseverence.
- Live to today because you could be dead tomorrow.
I hate waiting. I am no party to waiting in line nor in pecking order. Live hard and live fast. Because you going to be dead someday. Yet it is childish and rash to expect everything. And worse, everything now
An it seems I have been waiting for too long. I am no longer the spring chicken of my youth. And the years have told me do not wait for good things to happen. Making them happen for yourself is the only way to get where you want to go. Yet the work is not so simple. Gatekeepers and politics abound and I have learned a very hard lesson in the need to incessant politicking. Image control and goodwill panhandling is a terrible must in todays catty bitchfest of a corporate lifestyle. Even non corporate. Bureacracy is not the exclusive mainstay of mega corporations. That said, it is best policy to treat everyone around you like some gigantic lipstick-wearing ass-kissing festival. People are goddamn emotional. Petty. Vindicative. It seems goodness and virtue are lost. Pulling favours is the bitter cynical modus operandi. Does that sound bitter? It does. I am.
Here is a quiet confession. I have been breaking my back clawing my way through a lifestyle that I no longer see as an end. And it fucking freaks me out. What am I so disillusioned? Is it because I have been made to feel a fool by holding fast to values of loyalty, perseverance and commitment? By doing so and finding the result meaningless and seemingly deliberately held at distance, why run the marathon? Am I wimping out? or am I just realizing, too late, that I do not want to even finish that line?
Do I need a serious change or just a vacation?