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The AbsurdistThe Absurdist

Friday, December 23, 2005
  The Vowels of Santa Claus

Has it ever befuddled you that Santa laughs with an unnatural "Ho! Ho! Ho!"? I he reallyt Jolly Ole Saint Nick or some hoochie scoring pimp daddy on the prowl for young nubile do gooders or out to spank the naughty?

Let's skip throught the various vowel, shall we?

The Traditional Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho!
The Everyman Santa: Ha! Ha! Ha!
The Timid Santa: He! He! He!
The Japanese Santa: Hi! Hi! Hi!
The Down Syndrome Santa: Hu! Hu! Hu!
 

Thursday, December 22, 2005
  Bless us, it Xmas!

it's been a while since I've graced this spot. And while the world continues to turn and governments continue to operate under the greatest motivators of all, hatred and greed, I feel it's time to weight in on the good and/or significant things that have happened this year past. Here is a summary of the Absurdist's 20 most important events of the year 2005.

20. Celebrity weight loss finds new vanguards: Victoria Beckham, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Renee Zellweger drop to bones for our impressionable youth
19. Live 8 wanks for politician and rockstar photo ops while raising awaress of global poverty to the ineffectual class
18. Critical darling Arrested Development gets sacked proving America only has time for crap
17. iPod not only goes video but also a boosty 20 hour battery life
16. Coldpay's delayed album plummets EMI quarterly earnings. Chris Martin, overburden with record label fiscal responsibility, bandages left hand in multicoloured tape
15. Crotchety New Corp goobles up hipster douchebag online screwfest MySpace.com
14. Google reigns supreme on search and stock
13. Avian Flu is the new Sars
12. Nanopublishing (re: blogging) get legit with Weblogs Inc. being snatched up America Online
11. Brewing racial tension in France spark riots throughout Parissiene suburbs, prompting the revision of the popular catch phrase to "Paris Suburban Stripmalls Are Burning"
10. Kanye West: "George Bush doesn't care about black people"
9. Newly elect Pope Benedict XVI doesn't care about gay people
8. Creationism slithers it way into the garden of America's classrooms under the guise of Intelligent Design
7. Canada flaunts equal marriage, straight and gay, like some kind of drama queen
6. Dog is cloned in South Korea using stem cell research while America sinks deeper into its self imposed scientific dark age
5. London gets bombed, picks itself up and keeps on swinging
4. The automotive lobby keeps the electric car off the roads while oil prices rocket
3. Katrina spanks Florida and Louisiana. Hard.
2. Bush admits "faulty intelligence" behind the invasion of Iraq
1. Bradgelina
 

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