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The AbsurdistThe Absurdist

Thursday, June 01, 2006
  How to Be Trendy Douchebag post Sex-and-the-City (Lesson 1.0)

Ladies (and I mean ladies in the most egalitarian, non-gender specific way),

It has come to my attention that the appalling fashion slavery gestated by HBO’s love-letter to Manhattan lifestyle, Sex and the City, has since left a gaping void in the unglamorous lives of the unwashed, ruralite masses. Lacking the commonality of a newly minted episode of sophisticated shoebox living, flamboyant fashion styling, and empowering, oversexualized cougardom, both women and men lack a cultural touchstone to pull together the collective cosmopolitan delusion into a Burberry tartan scrunchie.

How will women sporting gargantuan lapel flower broaches cue one another in privy knowingness when strutting confidently down Main Street, Smallsville, shopping for eggs, cheese and replacement gaskets for the milking machine?

How will men embrace metrosexuality and the cultural importance of social climbing through chest waxing?

Well, I am here to help. Kicking off the first of what is expected to be a regular feature, I offer you the Spring/Summer Guide to Douchiness 2006: the Accessories edition.

1) No look is complete without a rolled-up piece of overpriced plastic foam slung casually over the right or left shoulder. Not only must the Yoga Mat colour co-ordinate with your Nuala by Christie Turlington yoga outfit, but so must your attitude. The East Village bohemia exuded by the Yoga Mat projects a steady calm in all things, no matter how badly asphyxiated you are by blackening taxi exhaust fumes.

2) The cold war may be over, but you head needn’t be. Worn over straighten hair, either straight on or crooked to one side, the Castro Hat is a look more resilient than a shoeless mother of seven in a Siberian bread line.

3) Teetering between appointments, the Vente Soy Latte is a statement of health consciousness and caffeine dependency. Use as a defensive measure when wanting to avoid carry large parcels or avoid carrying on conversations. Even when empty, continue to sip to avoid eye contact and prying photographer eyes. Note, carrying a Vente cup branded by an independent coffee shop may label you either a hip, non-conformist free spirit or, alternately, a lesbian.

4) This season, hang up the accessory dog and get ready for the Broach Beetle. Yes, leashing a bejeweled hissing Madagascar beetle to your shirt collar is not only an instant party conversation starter, but, in case of fire, flood, or terrorist attack, makes a protein rich, emergency snack free of artificial colors or preservatives.

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