Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Mac to the future
With the recent introduction of music video sales on the iTunes Music Store, Apple CEO Steve Jobs fielded questions about whether or not movies might eventually be on sale. Jobs reportedly answered:
twat visionary godhead! The public demands to know! Most importantly, will the discrete home purchase and consumption of pornography be offered via iTunes? Or will you spin the perfect internet convergence of amateur sex video and the iTunes into a sister company branded iPorn?
- "I'm going to have to leave that answer to our actions in the future."
Spin this: "When I said America is the middle finger of the world I really meant...
This is so meta, but I think this blunder totally rules (thanks Feh.):
- A message from PepsiCo’s President & CFO, Indra Nooyi
I recently had the privilege of speaking to the 2005 graduating class of Columbia University’s Business School in New York City.
Recognizing that these talented new leaders will influence both America and the world, I tried to provide some advice as they embark on their careers.
I chose to speak about the powerful role that America, and we as Americans, hold in the world today. I hoped to encourage these graduates to be sure they make a positive and personal difference as representatives of our great country.
In my comments, I used the analogy of a human hand to illustrate that people in countries around the globe need to join together to make the world work in harmony – just as all the fingers of a hand work together. It is an illustration that I learned when I was a student, and that I have shared with others on many different occasions.
As part of this illustration, I assigned five of the world’s continents to the different fingers and thumb. I refer to North America and particularly the U.S. as the middle finger because it is the longest and anchors every function the hand performs. The middle finger also is key to all the fingers working together effectively. That is how I view America’s place of importance in the world.
The point of my analogy was to emphasize America’s leadership position. Equally critical is the need for each of us as citizens to take a constructive role in whatever we choose to do in life to ensure the U.S. continues as the world’s “helping hand.”
Unfortunately, my remarks at Columbia University were misconstrued and depicted in a different context as unpatriotic. Although nothing could be further from the truth, I regret any confusion or concern that I may have inadvertently created. As I shared with the audience at Columbia, this country that I am proud and honored to call home is a “promised land” that I love dearly. I would never say or do anything to detract from our great nation and its people who have done so much for so many, including myself.
Thank you for your understanding and allowing me to set the record straight.
Indra K. Nooyi
President & CFO, PepsiCo
Personal style winner of the century
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Hoodies are the new terrorism
Want to identify a surefire hooligan? As I am here in London, they can spot you by the hoodie that you wear...
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Amish is the new black
I was just in Ohio visiting my local Amish Wal-mart. It sure was courteous of them to reserve spaces for my horse and carriage. Too bad the ole mare shat on that tiny Mini Cooper convertible autowagon. I was kind enough to leave a note on the windshield.
I was mighty impressed with all those blue smocks the kind store folks were wearing. Blue is a little non-traditional for the folks living in Bird In the Hand, and Reverend Jeb would sure have a fit if I were to wear anything of the sort to the Parrish.
There are so many lovely things stocked at the local Amish Wal-mart. I was a marveling at them fancy picture and noise boxes called Sanyo. Them images move like witchcraft. I quickly left that part of the store for fear of being ensnared by their wickedness.
When Sally Jane and Parker showed up, we headed over to the footwear department for some knee high socks. Mamma's getting tired of mending my worn out socks so it's best I buy some new ones, lest Aunt Patty insist on knitting me some new one with that itchy yarn she be spindling. I think her socks be like witchcraft.
I think there may be a sale on suspenders, so I stock up on an addition four pairs, all in black. Then that nice old lady in the blue smock with smiley face buttons goes and tells me them suspenders are "everyday low price". Well, I nearly flipped! If they are charging $3.95 for a pair of suspenders I'm going to get an extra eight pairs!
When I arrived at the Amish checkout, the cashier was kind enough to calculate my total payment on a handicrafted abacus and to bag by wares in a burlap sack.
When Sally Jane, Parker and I arrived back in the parking lot for our carriage, we was shocked! The old mare was shot dead and lay in a hump. Pinned to her left ear was a note.
"You shit in my car, you pay, you inbred Amish fuck!"
I was mighty impressed with all those blue smocks the kind store folks were wearing. Blue is a little non-traditional for the folks living in Bird In the Hand, and Reverend Jeb would sure have a fit if I were to wear anything of the sort to the Parrish.
There are so many lovely things stocked at the local Amish Wal-mart. I was a marveling at them fancy picture and noise boxes called Sanyo. Them images move like witchcraft. I quickly left that part of the store for fear of being ensnared by their wickedness.
When Sally Jane and Parker showed up, we headed over to the footwear department for some knee high socks. Mamma's getting tired of mending my worn out socks so it's best I buy some new ones, lest Aunt Patty insist on knitting me some new one with that itchy yarn she be spindling. I think her socks be like witchcraft.
I think there may be a sale on suspenders, so I stock up on an addition four pairs, all in black. Then that nice old lady in the blue smock with smiley face buttons goes and tells me them suspenders are "everyday low price". Well, I nearly flipped! If they are charging $3.95 for a pair of suspenders I'm going to get an extra eight pairs!
When I arrived at the Amish checkout, the cashier was kind enough to calculate my total payment on a handicrafted abacus and to bag by wares in a burlap sack.
When Sally Jane, Parker and I arrived back in the parking lot for our carriage, we was shocked! The old mare was shot dead and lay in a hump. Pinned to her left ear was a note.
"You shit in my car, you pay, you inbred Amish fuck!"
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Kylie say it ain't so
Australian born minx Kylie Minogue, the most fabulous ass in the business (J. Lo, it aint you), has breast cancer.
The tour company added: "She will undergo immediate treatment and consequently her Australian tour will not be able to proceed as planned."
The tour company added: "She will undergo immediate treatment and consequently her Australian tour will not be able to proceed as planned."
Friday, May 13, 2005
Tom Cruise feels that... wants that...
Here's ex-wife Mimi Rodgers take on Tom and Tom's want of sex:
- "Tom Cruise says sex is important in a relationship. Speaking to Reader's Digest, Katie Holmes' new man explained: "You know, sex means something to me. When I'm with a woman, I feel that. It just means something. I want that, you know?" But it's not just a quick fling he's after, Tom says marriage is important, too. "I'd like to get married. I'll tell you what I love. I like being in a relationship. That's who I am," he added."
Here's ex-wife Mimi Rodgers take on Tom and Tom's want of sex:
- "At least for that period of time, it looked as though marriage wouldn't fit into his overall spiritual need. And he thought he had to be celibate to maintain the purity of his instrument. ... My instrument needed tuning.".
Thursday, May 12, 2005
George Lucas! I love you!
UPDATE: Not only was the Lucas in full presences, but aging Sex and the City alumus (no- Not Kim Catrall), former pretty model man Jason Lewis was also there aping for cameras and flashing that handsome smile of his. Curse, you pretty boy, for hording all the pretty genes for your miserable self! He looked tall, but years are atarting to wear on that mug of his.
Holy shit. I was strolling along, minding my own beeswax, skipping towards the Metreon in downtown San Francisco when out of the blue pops Mr. Star Wars himself, George Lucas!
He's kinda stubby.
I'm going to keep stumbling along to find out what the hell he and the zillion overweight guys in Stormtrooper costumes are doing here. I am aflutter like a little schoolgirl!
--------------------------
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
UPDATE: Not only was the Lucas in full presences, but aging Sex and the City alumus (no- Not Kim Catrall), former pretty model man Jason Lewis was also there aping for cameras and flashing that handsome smile of his. Curse, you pretty boy, for hording all the pretty genes for your miserable self! He looked tall, but years are atarting to wear on that mug of his.
Iraq War Coverage? ABC News: "feh."
War is soooooo not newsworthy? Yes, suggests ABC News.
I'm absolutely disgusted. Back to Macaulay Culkin and Michael Jackson. Or Paula Adbul's Idolgate. Or the Runaway Bride. Fuck, does America love itself and only itself? I need a paxil...
I'm absolutely disgusted. Back to Macaulay Culkin and Michael Jackson. Or Paula Adbul's Idolgate. Or the Runaway Bride. Fuck, does America love itself and only itself? I need a paxil...
Ricky Martin is not gay
Dashing the hopes of thousands of Puerto Rican loving homosexuals the world over, Ricky Martin has stepped out of the closet of his heterosexuality.
I am a normal man. I love women and sex." quoth the swivel hipped, latin singer.
As the internet clammers to uproot any evidence to support or to contrast (you dirty filthy gossip bitches know who you are!), The Absurdist legal defense department notes the following:
Ricky Martin admits to loving women. Ricky Martin admits to loving sex. Ricky Martin does not explicitly admit to loving sex with women. We rest our case.
I am a normal man. I love women and sex." quoth the swivel hipped, latin singer.
As the internet clammers to uproot any evidence to support or to contrast (you dirty filthy gossip bitches know who you are!), The Absurdist legal defense department notes the following:
Ricky Martin admits to loving women. Ricky Martin admits to loving sex. Ricky Martin does not explicitly admit to loving sex with women. We rest our case.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Introducing the Internet's newest superstar: Nosfer-Tara-Tu
This is a genuine photo culled from the internet. I swear.
The sassy fang-riddled undead thing with the nightshade eyes, oily coat of horse hair, and the deadbolt scars on her forehead to the far right? Her name is Tara (Nosfer-Tara-Tu).
And the flash of the camera has flash fried her complexion into a crisp golden brown.
The moral of the story? No point. Just a bitchy-ass, hung over Sunday.
This is a genuine photo culled from the internet. I swear.
The sassy fang-riddled undead thing with the nightshade eyes, oily coat of horse hair, and the deadbolt scars on her forehead to the far right? Her name is Tara (Nosfer-Tara-Tu).
And the flash of the camera has flash fried her complexion into a crisp golden brown.
The moral of the story? No point. Just a bitchy-ass, hung over Sunday.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
What Katie Holmes is really saying into her cell phone
While the blogosphere goes apeshit over Katie Holmes' Tom Cruise infected mouth rot, The Absurdist has cunningly uncovered fragments of her cell phone conversation now transcribed here. Godbless the Whisper 2000.
"...Tom, about that oral sex..."
"...I don't think anyone will notice- my gawdawful, tacky eyeglasses will surely divert their attention..."
"...and you're sure Scientology will help them go away?"
"...no, no, I totally understand. When you called out "Chris Klein" last night, you were probably just channeling my memory of my ex-boyfriend..."
"...you really think the opening of Batman Begins will be huge?"
"..sure, I still have Chris's phone number..."
"...yeah, ever since I saw you in the overt, homosexuality charged showerscene in Top Gun..."
"...you noticed me when I started dating Chris Klein?"
"...yeah, just tell your publicist to tell my publicist when we should go out on our next date..."
"...Tom, about that oral sex..."
"...I don't think anyone will notice- my gawdawful, tacky eyeglasses will surely divert their attention..."
"...and you're sure Scientology will help them go away?"
"...no, no, I totally understand. When you called out "Chris Klein" last night, you were probably just channeling my memory of my ex-boyfriend..."
"...you really think the opening of Batman Begins will be huge?"
"..sure, I still have Chris's phone number..."
"...yeah, ever since I saw you in the overt, homosexuality charged showerscene in Top Gun..."
"...you noticed me when I started dating Chris Klein?"
"...yeah, just tell your publicist to tell my publicist when we should go out on our next date..."
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Kate Moss shockingly fashion retarded!
Fashion Week Daily reports Brit supermodel Kate Moss sports a fake mustache and beard on the cover of V Magazine (May 02, 2005).
As impressed as I should be of the balls it would have taken to put such a vision of beauty in such counter gender subversive imagery, I have but this to say:
~ Peaches.
It's sad and true. If it's in fashion, it's not original.
As impressed as I should be of the balls it would have taken to put such a vision of beauty in such counter gender subversive imagery, I have but this to say:
~ Peaches.
It's sad and true. If it's in fashion, it's not original.
