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The AbsurdistThe Absurdist

Wednesday, May 26, 2004
  Ang Lee's compiled list of things gayer than gay sex

The maelstrom of controversy over the new Ang Lee adaptation of Annie Proulx's critically acclaimed and explicitly homoerotic novel, "Brokeback Mountain" is now panting with dissatisfaction and bi-curious sexual frustration. Starring two of Hollywood's hottest young actors, Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger, director Ang Lee is now saying "two men herding sheep was far more sexual than two men having sex on screen."

Being a straight acting coach specialising in on-screen gay acting, the Absurdist met this pronouncement with broken hearted dismay. This seemed like a golden opportunity to provide a much needed service to these two up and coming, if not already top stars, in positioning the erotica as it would be best gobbled up by a mainstream American audience. I mean, really, you can't expect Americans to just open up and let others ram this stuff down their throats, or perhaps any other warm, moist orifice?

So you ask, why the hell would one want a straight acting coach to choreograph gay sex? We'll here's the insight. Gay sex, no matter how cheesy, awkward, poorly lit or badly acted has universal appeal to gay people. It's a no brainer. Men are pigs for sex, gay and straight inclusive. The challenge lies with positioning gay sex to the ardently straight, God fearing masses. When you narrow it down even further to the current fundamentalist regime of uptight, witch burning, churchy folk running the show, it gets even more dicey. That is why a straight acting coaching is required. It takes a straight eye for the queer romp to ensure just enough homosexual innuendo is implied and explicitly portrayed, tasteful like. Otherwise the film will never survive the now mandatory pre-screening process, the process that was apparently corner cut but so desperately needed for Lee's prior film, "The Hulk".

When I approached Lee with my proposal, Lee trotted out that tired ole "sheep herding is super gay" arguement along with the following string of other homoerotic devices, symbols and situational allegories he intends to use in the film. I'm not sure about you but I don't find these particularly hot. Even as a lusty man-pig.

Ang Lee's compiled list of things gayer than gay: Ummm... excuse me.
 

Monday, May 24, 2004
  Clay Aiken: Photographic evidence that he is definitely not a homosexual

There is so much speculation that American Idol 2003's Miss Congeniality, Clay Aiken, is a nancy shrieking house-on-fire homosexual that finally we have proof that he is not. Thank goodness this little image was unintentionally leaked on the the internet. Believe you me, America was getting a little uneasy with Clay's singing of the all gay cabaret show tunes. Refreshingly, a tittie squeezing misogynistic skirt chasing closet case is much more acceptable. God bless show business.
 

Thursday, May 13, 2004
  Paris Hilton Perfume Scent Analysis

Grabbing a rare advanced formulation of the impending Paris HIlton perfume, the Absurdist performs a chemical breakdown of the aromatic blend:
 

Monday, May 10, 2004
  The Absurdist goes a moblogging

Hello. I am pleased to announce that due to the mad technicians at Blogger, I am now a mad villian of the mobloggerati. Yes, friends, combined with the ever so evil crackberry, the Absurdist is now committed to spontaneous acts of absurdity. I am both terrified and overjoyed by the prospect. I welcome you to misspelling in realtime.
 

Monday, May 03, 2004
  May 6th Gallery Opening: Declined for reasons of generation-defining television program watching obligation

The following is an invitation to a photographer's invite to her gallery opening, Thursday May 6th and appended declined invitation response:
Dear Naomi,

Thank you very much for the invitation to your exciting gallery opening. Although I am familiar with your work and find it a fascinating study of tanned, elderly portraiture in sexy, sunny South Beach, I unfortunately must decline your invitation.

It's not because I am not fan of your work. Quite the opposite. If find your imagery both juxtoposed in subject/setting and surreal in contextual motif. My reason for declining is singular and irrefutably significant to a late-twenties early-thirties urban dwelling, not so hip but comfortable in hip circles kind of fellow like myself. I am committed to watch the series finale of "Friends".

Call it a massive conflict of schedule that I am sure will befall any artist, painter, playwright or photographer fool enough to schedule their opening night opposite the juggernaut timeslot of Thursday night Must-See-TV. I feel it is my cultural obligation to bear witness to this generational epoch. It's been a decade in the making, and each episode has helped define a TV nation by the broadcast mores of yuppie urban social conduct. I have compiled a short list of important issues so boldly addressed on this stately program:

12 step recovery expose on intra-marriage neo-lesbian love triangle, with prerequisite child that virtually vanishes by the end of the series.
"The Rachel" as career making hairstyle study.
The importance of social circle musical-chair dating.
Fat girls grow up to be hot, thin and neat-freak neurotic.
Geeks score chicks like Jennifer Aniston.
Effeminate men score fat girls that grow up to be hot, thin, and neat-freak neurotic.
Manhattan apartments of improbable size are quite common among the average income stunningly attractive set.
Struggling actor types are just plain stupid genius spin-off series fodder.
You don't have to be as strikingly attractive as your friends as long as you compensate by being exceptionally eccentric, marginally tuneful with lightly amusing folksongs about stinky felines, doubled as a twin or incestuous child bearer for blood relatives.

There are dozens more of telling examples and I would further collect and present them to you, but I have to go watch contestants obliterate their genetic identity on a cosmetic surgery infomercial parading as a reality TV show called "The Swan." Best of luck with the photography.

Yours truly,
The Absurdist
 

Sunday, May 02, 2004
  The Absurdist to John Kerry: "Why you no wear the ribbon?"

I wish I could have an audience with Senator John Kerry. This whole medal throwing incident has got me completely irate. Can you believe a highly decorated veteran standing up against a war he feels is unjust? A man of service, a man of conviction, a man of principle? Clearly, this single, isolated incidence is not being blow out of proportion in a slimey attempt to declare a man in the eyes of a malleable public. Absolutely not. Heaven forefend. Kerry = bad. Mudslinging attack dogs = good.

The Absurdist, a noted rolling stone and global citizen, calls good ole American a part time home. So, wanting to delve deeper into getting the real facts behind the controversy, I dialed up the first John Kerry in the phone book and proceeded to get to the bottom of it.

The Absurdist: Hello, Mr. Kerry?

J. Kerry: This is he.

The Absurdist: "I smoked it, but I did not inhale." "I threw the ribbon but not the medal." Is there something about democrats and not going all the way?

J. Kerry: I beg your pardon?

The Absurdist: Oh, you've clearly been media coached. Let's cut to the chase. Apparently, you only threw away the ribbons. I mean, come on. The best part is the medal. The ribbon is, like, totally replaceable.

J. Kerry: Who is this?

The Absurdist: Bush campaign advisor Karen Hughes went on record to say, "I can understand if out of conscience you take a principled stand and you would decide that you were so opposed to this that you would actually throw your medals. But to pretend to do so, I think that's very revealing." How do you respond to that?

J. Kerry: Who is Karen Hughes?

The Absurdist: I see. More pretending.

J. Kerry: I don't know that woman.

The Absurdist: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

J. Kerry: Is that a Bill Clinton quote? Why are you quoting Bill Clinton quotes to me?

The Absurdist: Oh stop with the reindeer games, Senator. He's your fellow Democrat!

J. Kerry: This is not Senator John Kerry. I'm just John Kerry from Iowa.

The Absurdist: ... are you... serious?

J. Kerry: Yes.

The Absurdist: Ummm... wanna save on long distance?
 

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